Waxing, Waning
by Jenna1980
Summary: Otabek is a lonely soul, who just wants to find some meaning in his life. His only friend JJ, drags him to a club outside Moscow that only opens on the full moon. Otabek is dreading it, until he meets someone who makes the entire trip worthwhile. He's smitten, but can't see him again until the next full moon. This is a short story, perfect for October, so get cozy and enjoy!
1. Мираж

This is a new story of mine that I've been planning and writing since late July. I wanted it to be ready in time for October. It's darker than my other Otayuri story. I don't want to tell you much, I'd rather it be a surprise. There isn't anything disturbing or sad at the moment, but things will change and I will add warnings if needed. I haven't finished it yet, but I have a few chapters done, so updates will be on Tuesday's (and possibly Saturdays). I'd like the last chapter out on Halloween, so we'll see if I can manage that. If you need a pick me up after this, go over and read my other story "Do The Thing Beka..Please?" That will give you enough happy domestic fluff to last a lifetime.

* * *

"Hey Otabek, have any plans for tonight?" JJ hooked an arm around Otabek's neck, pulling him into a playful headlock, "or are you going back to your room, like an old man?"

Otabek shoved him off, straightening his rumpled track jacket.

"I am going back to my room. We both have an early day tomorrow. I need sleep."

JJ gave him a cocky smile, "come on, live a little Beks. You'll sleep when you're dead. Izzy and I are going to a club later tonight. You should come with us, it'll do you good."

Otabek zipped up his skate bag, and grabbed his water bottle, gulping down the remaining bit. "I've been to plenty of clubs JJ. What makes this one so special?"

JJ's eyes glinted, "Well, for starters it's outside the city."

Otabek grimaced. "It's not in Moscow? Why bother? I'm not going all the way out to some backwoods club."

The two men were in Moscow for the next few months for off season training. JJ's girlfriend, or fiance...Otabek could never keep track, had tagged along. She was nice enough, but a bit too bubbly for Otabek's liking. And the fact that she had fallen in love with JJ, clearly said she wasn't right in the head.

JJ clicked his tongue, "too bad. I hear it gets pretty crazy there. It'd be a shame to miss out while we're here."

Otabek had come to train, not to party. His coach didn't send him to Moscow to screw around. He had a job to do, and he intended to do it. His previous skating season was mediocre at best. He barely qualified for Cup of China, and hadn't even managed to place when it was over. He needed to stay focused, and get back on track, but he had to admit, sitting in his room reading night, after night was getting a bit dull, even for him.

JJ would occasionally invite him to his, and Izzy's room, but he hated feeling like a third wheel. The two would snuggle together on the couch, while Otabek was relegated to the stiff armchair in the corner. They'd watch movies...well, Otabek did, all the while trying to ignore the two lovers necking, and giggling with one another. After a few night's like this Otabek had started to turn down JJ's offers to hang out.

It wasn't just because the two couldn't keep their hands off each other. Although, that certainly didn't help. But, seeing the happy couple only reminded him that he had no one to call his own. His social life was as lackluster as his previous season. He'd never had a relationship that lasted longer than a few weeks. He still dated on occasion. But no one, guy or girl, ever felt right, and none of them were looking for anything serious.

No one wanted to connect unless it was to fuck, then, people would say or do almost anything to reach their goal. Most of the time he'd pass on the offer of a one night stand, or a casual fling, but sometimes, when the ache for human contact was too much, he'd relent.

He always regretted it, after it was over.

The first few times he had gone home with someone, it had been a nightmare. After the deed was done, a naive Otabek would stay, thinking a post coital cuddle would come next. Sex was a welcome relief, but the afterglow was what he really desired. The intimacy, the long embraces and quiet pillow talk. He desperately wanted to connect with someone, not just on a physical level, but emotionally too. Unfortunately, the afterglow he craved never followed. Afterwards, he was always handed his boots and clothes, and shown the door.

This only had to happen to him three times, before he knew the drill.

From then on, no matter how much he longed to stay, he made sure he was always the first to get dressed, and the first to say goodbye. He never wanted to hear the slam of a door at his back, or experience that ugly, embarrassing hurt ever again. He learned early on that it was eat, or be eaten in the dating world. So he hardened himself, determined to alway be at the top of the food chain.

It was difficult for him to put himself out there. He wasn't like JJ, infinitely charming, and full of bravado. JJ could talk to anyone, and they would fall under his spell in an instant. Otabek was quiet, and aloof most of the time. It was hard to make friends, and even harder for him to find someone to share his life with. He sometimes felt like JJ had adopted him, like a lost dog. He'd seen something admirable in Otabek, and decided to keep him. While Otabek was thankful that he had at least one friend, JJ wasn't nearly enough.

Otabek wanted someone who was more than a friend, but it seemed so hopelessly out of reach. He was shy in his own way, he could make conversation with people, and even make a joke or two. However, when there was a lull in the conversation, he never felt the need to fill it. He liked silence, it was comforting to him. Unfortunately, the people he had dated disagreed. They took his silence as a rebuff. He'd been told, even by JJ, that he was detached, and disinterested. A spare few had even called him downright spooky. This threw him for a loop. He could admit he could be detached, and if enjoying silence made him spooky then so be it, but disinterested? For all his shyness, he did enjoy getting to know people on a personal level, if he was silent it was only because he was a listening.

When did being a good listener become a bad thing?

Damn it, he just wanted something meaningful. Was that too much to ask?

Otabek had grown slightly bitter towards dating. Nothing was meaningful anymore. It was all perfect selfies, humble bragging, and lies twisted to look like truths. Otabek didn't have time for any of it. It was exhausting trying to mold himself into something he wasn't, so he stopped trying.

He'd resigned himself to being alone, with only the occasional one nighter to keep the emptiness bearable. There would be no special someone, no loving embraces, or long conversations that stretched until dawn. Just him, JJ, and his old friend silence.

JJ pleaded with him, "Come on Beks, come out with us."

Otabek could tell JJ wasn't going to let this go. He sighed heavily, "fine I'll go. What's this place called anyway?"

"Мираж." JJ butchered the word. His Russian was terrible. Otabek wondered how he even got around the city. Not everyone in Moscow knew English, and French is even more rare. His own grasp of Russian is ok, it's serviceable, and better than JJ's. Maybe that's why JJ always wanted him to tag along with him, Otabek knew the lingo.

"Mirage." Otabek translates. He's not impressed by the name.

"Sounds cool doesn't it? Apparently it only opens on the full moon. People line up in droves to get in. Then it closes up for a few weeks until the next one rolls around. How awesome is that?"

Otabek frowns, "I guess it's cool, if you like that sort of thing."

"The full moon is tonight, so we have to go. I'll pick you up at 8, it's a bit a drive."

Otabek groans inwardly, now he's going to be stuck in a car with JJ and Izzy. Going to a club that only opens once a month. Reading in his room is sounding more appealing by the second.

"Fine JJ, but if this sucks, I will never let you live it down." Otabek grumbled.

"Atta boy Beks, I knew you'd give in." JJ clapped him hard on the shoulder, making Otabek grit his teeth.

Ugh, JJ looked so damn pleased with himself.

Otabek returned to his room. At least it wasn't a hotel. The rink he's training at, has a block of rooms nearby, set aside just for skaters who are there for training. It's not fancy, but it has everything Otabek needs. Bed, bath, kitchen, and a TV that he has yet to turn on.

Otabek stripped off his sweaty skate gear, and stepped under the shower spray. The water pressure was abysmal, and the hot water never lasted as long as he'd like, but he's mastered the art of the quick shower. He steps out, and rubs a towel roughly over his skin and hair. He needed to take the clippers to his undercut again. He fished the clippers out of the drawer, and quickly ran them around his head. Mowing down the straggly hairs until they were short, and soft like velevet. He smoothed the rest back against his head. He'd been blessed with thick hair that didn't need much in the way of product. Once it air dried it would be ready for the night.

He had a few hours to kill until JJ would be by to pick him up. Just enough time to eat, and maybe take a nap. He'd need one, if they were going to be out as late as he suspected. He wrapped the damp towel around his waist, and padded to his room. He stared at his almost empty closet, and the growing pile of clothes on the floor. He'd have to laundry eventually. He searched his drawers for something suitable. He managed to find a clean gray shirt, and figured he could get one more wear out of his black jeans, before they absolutely needed to be washed. It wasn't fancy, but for a club set in the middle of nowhere it would have to do. He tossed the clothes on the bed, and pulled on a pair of flannel pajama pants and went to the kitchen. His fridge was empty safe for a bottle of milk, and a few wilted vegetables.

 _Cereal again I guess_.

He poured himself a bowl, using up the last of the milk. He really should be doing his laundry, and hit the market tonight, not going clubbing. Maybe that would be a good enough excuse to get out of going? He reached for his phone, his finger hovering over JJ's number. He should cancel, he really wants to, but JJ's words rang in his ears.

"You can sleep when you're dead."

Otabek turned his phone off, and finished his meal, dropping the bowl in the sink. He went back to his bedroom and sank onto the bed, drifting to sleep almost instantly.

He woke up a few hours later to the sound of his phone ringing. He searched the side table for his phone, not even looking to see who was calling.

"Hey Beks, you asleep?" JJ's voice booms. Otabek pulled the phone away from his ear, turning down the volume. JJ seriously needed to work on his phone voice.

"I was, what time is it?" he mumbled

"Seven thirty, better get dressed. We'll be there in a bit to pick you up."

Otabek groans, "JJ, I don't.."

"No, you're not pussing out! You're going. You're twenty one Beka, not eighty one. For once, do something fun with your life. Give it an hour, or two. If you hate it, we'll leave."

Otabek rolled onto his back, phone still pressed against his ear. "One hour JJ, that's all. If I hate it we go home, no ifs, ands, or buts."

"I promise. See you in a bit, and try to put a smile on your face."

Otabek doesn't even bother saying goodbye. What exactly was there to smile about? He was once again the third wheel.

Otabek knew the minute they got to the club, JJ and Izzy would ditch him. That's what always happened when they went out. He knew they wouldn't leave after an hour either. If Izzy wanted to stay they would. She had JJ whipped, and what she wanted she got. She'd pout, JJ would relent, and Otabek would be stuck there until Izzy had her fill.

 _I guess the sooner we go, the sooner it will all be over._

Otabek stood up in his pitch black room. It was January, and the sun had been down for quite some time. He moved around the bed, cursing loudly as he stubbed his toe on the bed frame. He stood frozen, eyes squeezed shut, waiting for the sharp pain to subside, before flipped the light switch on, and got dressed.

He hoped his sore toe wasn't a bad omen.

Otabek sat huddled in the back of the cheap, clunky rental JJ and Izzy had gotten while they were in Moscow. It had started to snow on their way out of the city. Otabek was glad JJ was at the wheel, being Canadian at least he was better equipped to drive in this weather than he was. He couldnt' even remember the last time he had driven his car, preferring his bike that was now, safely stored away in Almaty until his return.

Izzy snuggled in next to JJ. The rental was ancient, instead of two passenger seats with a console in the middle, it was one long seat, like a couch. Izzy had urged JJ to rent it because it was so good for cuddling. And JJ, like the idiot he was, agreed. The heater only worked half the time, and the windows weren't even electric. It was a wonder the rust bucket was still running.

Izzy shivered, and JJ turned up the dial on the heater a bit. While it made the front section toasty, Otabek only received a few puffs of warm air in the back. He could still see his breath fogging up the window.

"How far away is this?" Otabek asked, teeth chattering slightly. The buildings and apartments had tapered off. Nothing could be seen now, but miles of naked trees, snow, and darkness.

"We've got about another half hour, forty five minutes." JJ answered, eyes focusing on the road, while Izzy tried to distract him.

Otabek huffed, and pulled out his phone. At least he could kill time with the internet. He frowned when he saw the bars on his phone dwindle away to nothing.

"No service, just great." Otabek grumbled. He closed his eyes, wishing he were back at home with his books, and his solitude.

Otabek was jostled out of a doze as they turned down a lumpy dirt road. He looked out the window, the snow had let off, but the temperature inside the car had dropped.

"JJ turn the heat up, I'm freezing back here."

JJ turned it up a bit more, "Sorry Beks, that better?"

Otabek could feel the chill leaving his fingers, "yeah it's fine. Are you sure this is the right way? It can't really be out in the middle of no where right?"

"According to the directions this is the road. My GPS stopped working awhile ago. And Beks, the whole point of the club is that it _is_ in the middle of nowhere."

They lumbered down the road for bit longer, the car swaying back and forth. Otabek could feel his stomach start to churn. Yet another reason he hated cars, they always fucked with his stomach. He chewed his lip, thinking the night couldn't get any worse.

The road was starting to twist, and weave. JJ sped up a bit, making the car drift around the icy corners.

Izzy laughed, and clung to him, "JJ be careful!"

"Relax babe, it's nothing we don't have back in Canada. Sometimes it's good to slide the car around a bit in the snow. Makes you know how it handles."

JJ swerved lazily around a blind corner, laughing each time Izzy would squeal in mock fear. She knew JJ had complete control. Him throwing the car around on the snowy road was a game they played often back home. It was all in good fun.

Otabek however, was on the verge of puking on the back seat. It would serve JJ right if he did. He could feel the bile bubbling up in his throat. He was minutes from heaving, when he was thrown forward, as the car came to an abrupt halt.

"JJ what the fuck?" Otabek shouted, his head had missed colliding with the front seat by mere inches.

"Is that someone on the road?" JJ asked, squinting through the blackness. He started to slowly roll the car down the road, wishing the headlights were a little stronger.

Otabek rolled his window down, ignoring the blast of frigid air. Someone was walking along the side of the road. The headlight reflected off white blonde hair. From behind it looked like a young girl, hair long and straight, her clothing black, and form fitting. The figures gait however, was undeniably masculine. The figure trudged down the road, with determination. He/she had a belt covered in rivets, and the metal flashed in the headlights.

"I can't believe anyone would be walking down this road at night in the snow. It would be dangerous enough during the day." Izzy tugged JJ's arm. "Should we see if they need help?"

They rolled up next to the figure, Izzy cranked the window down.

"Hey, you need a ride? It's awful cold out." JJ shouted through the window.

The figure stopped, and looked the couple over. His eyes narrowing.

Otabek could see it was a guy, close to his own age. He was stunning to look at. Long pale hair, creamy skin, shorter than Otabek, but his body was long, and lean. He was wearing black leather pants, and only a thin black jacket. The snow drifted around his ankles, but instead of heavy boots he wore a pair of black canvas high tops, with leopard print laces. His eyes were ringed in black liner, and his hair was pulled half up, while the rest trailed down his back in a soft, golden sheet. His features were sharp, and angular. Otabek was sure he'd cut himself if he touched those cheekbones.

"No, I'm good." he replied, his tone was sharp.

"Are you lost?" Izzy asked.

"Nyet, I'm not lost." he snapped, giving her a sneer. His accent was heavy, but his English was solid.

"JJ maybe we should go, he seems to be fine." Izzy pleaded, she didn't like the guys attitude.

JJ was just about to agree with her, when Otabek spoke up.

"Where are you headed?" he said quietly.

The boy turned towards the voice, and his face softened. He looked at Otabek for a moment, before his whole demeanor changed. The sneer melted away, and a wistful smile grew on his lips.

"Мираж," he he said softly. His eyes drifted towards the night sky, "it's a full moon tonight. I've been waiting for weeks to go." his voice almost dream like.

Something warm pooled in Otabek's belly. The boy was exquisite, and his cat like smile made Otabek shiver. They were all going to the same place, and Otabek would never forgive himself if they left him there alone. He looked so small, and the jacket he wore was too thin against the frigid air.

"We're going there too. Why don't you join us? The heat in the car doesn't work very well, but it's warmer than walking there alone. I'd hate to see you get hurt. Пожалуйста, присоединяйся к нам." ( _Please join us_.)

The boy, quirked his head as he heard him speak Russian. The man's accent didn't sound Russian, it was close, but there were slight differences in the way he spoke.

Otabek opened the door. "Пожалуйста, ты выглядишь так холодно." ( _Please, you look so cold_.)

While the man's Russian had some flaws, it sounded warm and sincere. The boy pondered the offer and stepped towards the car door. "Конечно." ( _Sure_ )

Otabek heard Izzy protesting quietly in the front seat. JJ shushed her. "Relax babe, he seems harmless. We don't have far to go."

Otabek slid over to make room for the boy. Once he settled into the seat, Otabek held out his hand.

"I'm Otabek Altin."

The boy grasps his hand, his grip is like ice. He must've been walking a long time for them to get so cold.

The boy smiled at him once more. The interior lights of the car are slow to dim. Otabek is startled when sees the boy in the light, his eyes are a deep verdant green, like moss. He only gets a few seconds to marvel at them, before the car goes dark.

"Yuri Plisetsky."

JJ starts to drive. Izzy is dead silent next to him.

"JJ turn the heat up a bit more. Yuri looks cold."

JJ cranked the heat up to full blast. The headlights on the car dim for a split second as the heater starts to blow at full capacity.

Yuri rubs his hands together, as the heat creeps back towards them.

Otabek found himself wanting to reach out and warm Yuri's hands himself. His fingers tense, ready to latch onto them, but he holds back. He's only just met Yuri, now wasn't the time for his awkwardness to show.

"Where are you from?" Yuri asks, "you don't sound Russian."

"Canada." JJ pipes up, "Montreal."

Yuri sneers, "I wasn't asking you, moron."

Otabek cracks a smile, and laughs quietly, "Kazakhstan."

Yuri nods, and cants his head towards JJ and Izzy. "Олармен не бар?" ( _What's with them?_ )

Otabek jumps at the words, "Сіз қазақша сөйлейсіз?" ( _You speak Kazakh_?)

"Only a little." Yuri says switching back to English.

"Олар достар ( _They're friends_ )...sort of." Otabek says, he's doesn't really want JJ to know he's just insulted their friendship.

Yuri laughs, "you're far from home."

"I'm hear for training."

"What sort of training?"

"I'm a figure skater."

At this, Yuri grows quiet, "oh."

Otabek feels like he's hit a nerve, "something wrong?"

Yuri shook his head, his smile returning, "it's nothing."

They drive in silence for awhile. Otabek feels Yuri start to shiver once more.

"Yuri are you still cold?" he asks.

Yuri laughed nervously, "yeah, I can't seem to warm up."

 _Don't just sit there dummy, help him out._

Otabek leans forward, and takes his heavy leather jacket off and lays it over Yuri's shoulders. Yuri slides his thin arms through the sleeves, only the tips of his fingers peek out from the ends.

JJ slid through another corner, laughing as the end kicks out. Yuri slid across the seat from the force, butting up against Otabek's side. Otabek froze, his body suddenly warm and tingling. He's been feeling this magnetic pull towards Yuri since he got in the car. Now that he's practically on top of him, it's almost too much for his senses. He acts on instinct, and starts to pull away, but Yuri stops him, a cold hand on his now bare arm.

"Please? I'm so cold." Yuri pleads.

Even in the darkness, Otabek can feel those green eyes piercing through him. He starts to edge his way towards Yuri, arms opening slowly. Yuri doesn't' hesitate to cuddle into him, turning slightly on his side, burying his face into Otabek's neck. Otabek's arm closes around him, his hand curling around Yuri's shoulder. He's only just met him, but the feel of his small frame against his feels _so_ right. He feels something begin to trickle into the emptiness inside of him.

"So warm." Yuri breathes. Otabek's skin prickles, as a sea of gooseflesh spreads down his arms.

JJ looks into the rear view mirror, and leans over to whisper in Izzy's ear. "looks like Beka's found a friend Izzy."

Izzy scoffs, and scoots herself closer to JJ.

Otabek now wishes the ride would never end. Yuri is pressed firmly against him, his cold hands folded into his side. Otabek let's himself reach down and take hold of one of Yuri's hands. He closes his small delicate hand in his, and gently rubs some warmth into them. He finally starts to feel some of the cold ebb away.

"Are you still cold Yuri?"

Yuri shakes his head, "no...I'm warm now." his voice barely audible.

They stay plastered to one another until the car pulls up in front of plain concrete building. There are only a few windows in the upper half of the building, multicolored lights flash through them, and the sound of music can be heard thundering through the walls. Outside there are fire pits, and chairs set up, with dozens of people milling around them. There's no sign to mark the building, just a picture of the moon painted over the door.

"You two coming? Or do you want us to leave you here for some alone time?" JJ slides out of the car, Izzy right behind him.

"We're coming," Yuri snaps, he looks over at Otabek. "Your friend's kind of a douche."

Otabek chuckles, "tell me something I don't know." He pauses, the smile on his face beginning to waiver. "Yuri...I don't know if you're meeting anyone here, but if you're not, I'd like to-"

Yuri takes his hand, "come dance with me Beka."

 _Beka_...Otabek swallows.

Yuri is still engulfed in Otabek's jacket. They walk side by side for a few steps, before Yuri takes Otabek's hand and lays it around his slim shoulders. Otabek's grip tightens around Yuri, like he's protecting something precious.

Inside the club it's a mass of people, lights, and pulsating music. The scent of spilled beer, and thick tendrils of smoke fill the room. JJ wasn't kidding when he said this place was popular. They manage to find an empty table way in the back, away from most of the crowd. Yuri slides out of Otabek's jacket, and hangs it up on a hook near the table.

"Drink first, then we dance." Yuri tugs at Otabek's hand.

Otabek orders a beer, while Yuri demands a shot of vodka. The bartender looks at him dubiously, but pours him his drink.

"That's the nice things about this place," Yuri shouts over the music, "when you're out this far, you can pretty much serve whoever you want. It's not like the cops are gonna show up."

Otabek sips his beer, "How old are you Yuri?"

"Eighteen. Why too young for you?"

Otabek shakes his head, "no, you just, look so much younger than eighteen." Otabek swears he looks sixteen at the most.

"I get that a lot," he downs his shot, and follows Otabek back to their table. Izzy and JJ are already lost in the crowd. Otabek takes a swig of his beer and sets it on the table. "You ready to dance Beka?"

Otabek shrugs sheepishly, "I'm not much of a dancer, Yuri."

Yuri tugs him towards the dance floor, "lucky for you I am."

Yuri clings to him for song after song. Twirling and dipping around him. Otabek is awkwardly frozen in place. Partly because he's terrible dancer, and partly because he can't stop watching Yuri.

His moves are suggestive, as he grinds and undulates to the beat, but they differ from the other people around them. Their moves are stilted and sloppy. Some are so drunk that they're barely able to lift their feet. Yuri looks like he was made for the dance floor. Every hip roll full of grace, and every arch of his back a work of art. Otabek gathers up his courage, and grabs hold of Yuri's slim leather clad hips, pulling him close.

"I've been waiting for you to do that, for the last half hour." Yuri says in his ear.

Otabek shivers and starts to dance, his moves aren't that great, but he's so lost in the moment, that he doesn't care if he looks like a fool.

Yuri slides one hand around Otabek's waist, while the other runs through his hair. The music has slowed, it's a hypnotic trance like beat. They melt into a zone, just swaying and touching one another like they're the only ones in the room.

Otabek closed his eyes as Yuri continued to run his hands through his hair. Short nails graze his scalp, and he has to bite back a groan. He secretly loves having his hair played with, but he's never dared to ask anyone to do it, not wanting to risk being ridiculed. He melts into the feeling. Yuri seems to know just where Otabek wants to be touched most. It's not sexual, there's no grabbing at flesh, or grinding any longer. It's more exploratory, like Yuri is getting a feel for him. Yuri's hands skim along Otabek's arms, and back up to his chest, settling over his heart. His hand lingers there for a long time, feeling his heart beat in time with the music. Yuri drapes his arms over his shoulders, and nuzzles into his neck. Otabek's arms envelope his tiny frame, astonished at how perfectly they fit together. They stay locked together for what feels like days.

"Come outside with me." Yuri says, his breath is cool against his ear.

Otabek swallows hard, and frowns. "Why?"

He figures this is where the night will end. They'll fuck in JJ's shitty rental, and Otabek won't deny the blond. He already knows he can't say no to those green eyes. After, they'll part ways and not make eye contact with one another for the rest of the night.

Otabek's heart already fees like it's about to break. He wanted this to be something more.

Yuri gives him a warm smile, "I want to talk to you. I want to know you Beka."

Otabek can only nod. He goes and grabs his leather jacket and meets Yuri outside.

 _He wants to talk, he wants to know me_.

They dust the powdery snow off two empty chairs, and set them near one of the open fire pits, away from the other people. The heat is almost too much after being inside. Otabek sits next to Yuri, but he feels like it's still too far away. Yuri takes his hand in his.

"You lied you know." he says matter of factly.

Otabek cocks an eyebrow, "I did?"

"yeah, about not being a good dancer. You are."

He chuckles, "if you say so. I was just following your lead."

Yuri looks up at the moon, it's bluish light reflects off the snow, giving the ground an eerie glow.

"So, you skate?" Yuri asks, eyes settling on the flames crackling in front of him.

"Yeah." Otabek answers, his thumb brushing over Yuri's hand.

"Do you compete?

"I do, it's the off season, but I wanted to get in some extra practice. I was ok this year, but not good enough for the finals."

"It's the off season..." Yuri whispers to himself.

"Did you say something Yuri?"

Yuri snaps to attention, "Hmm? No, I was just talking to myself. How long are you here for?"

"A few months. Then it's back to Almaty." Otabek says, now wishing he were staying for longer.

"A few months." Yuri repeats quietly, playing with a string on his jacket.

"So what do you do Yuri?"

Yuri shrugs, "not much these days. I come here when I can, but other than that, there isn't much to do way out here. My grandpa lives nearby, just off the road where you picked me up."

"No friends?" Otabek hoped that didn't sound rude. He found it hard to believe that someone as beautiful as Yuri didn't have people flitting around him, like moths to a flame.

His bluntness doesn't seem to ruffle Yuri. "No, I don't make friends easily. People tell me I'm...off putting."

"Off putting?"

"Rude. I tend to run my mouth, and say the first thing that comes to my head. I've never been one to hide my feelings, and I'm no good at small talk."

The warmth that's been steadily growing hotter, and hotter inside Otabek flared at this. Yuri was just as stand offish, and awkward around people as he was.

"People say that about me too. JJ, the guy who drove here. He's my only real friend."

Yuri raised and eyebrow. "If he's your friend Beka, I'd hate to see your enemies. That guys seems like real dick."

Otabek laughs out loud, the sound surprises him. He hasn't laughed this loud in ages. Yuri cracks a crooked grin.

"You're right, he is a dick. He has his uses though. JJ's a good shield for a someone like me. He does most of the talking, and forces me to get out of the house once in awhile. He's the reason I'm here tonight, I almost cancelled, but he wouldn't listen."

Yuri tugged his hand, gripping it tighter, "then I'm glad that dick is your friend."

Knowing that Yuri was just as socially awkward as he is, emboldens him. "Yuri, maybe if you're interested, you could come see me in Moscow? Maybe grab some dinner, or see a movie?"

Yuri smiles for a moment, but it's fleeting. "I don't think I can. I'm not really allowed in the city. Besides I have no way of getting there."

Otabek nods, "Oh. Maybe I could come and see you then? If not, that's fine, I just...would like to get to know you better. I think we're alike in a lot of ways."

Yuri brightens at this, "I'd like that."

"Would you like to go back inside? You're not exactly dressed for the weather."

Yuri stood up, and held out his hand, "ready for round two?"

The two share a few more drinks, and return to the dance floor. The song is fast, but the two of them cling to one another, swaying slowly to a song only they can hear.

Yuri looks up at Otabek, his eyes soft and innocent, "would you...would you kiss me Beka?"

For someone as outspoken as Yuri claims to be, his voice is shaky and unsure. Otabek can almost see an embarrassed blush on the tips of his ears, although in the flashing lights of the club it's hard to tell.

Otabek doesn't need to be asked twice. He tilts Yuri's chin up, and brushes his lips against Yuri's. His lips are still slightly cold, but they warm as Otabek continues to explore his mouth. Their tongues search out one another, twisting and writhing against each other. Yuri's previous embarrassment fades away. His hand reaches up to cup Otabek's cheek, pulling him closer, hungry for more. While Otabek runs his hand through his silky blond hair.

They pull away and stare at each other. The mass of bodies pressed around them forgotten. They locks eyes, while the multicolored lights flash across their faces, both breathing heavily. Otabek pulls him in for another deep kiss, breathing in Yuri's scent. He smells like lilies, and freshly fallen snow. It's an odd combination, he thinks, but it makes his heart race, and his lungs struggle for air.

They kiss, until Otabek feels a firm hand on his shoulder. JJ leans in towards Otabek's ear.

"Beks, I hate to break this up, but it's almost closing time."

Otabek breaks the kiss, and groans, laying his forehead against Yuri's. Yuri tugs at his shirt, wanting to continue. Otabek is close to telling JJ he'd find his own way home, but remembers they aren't in the city.

"Fine," he growls, "gimmie a minute."

JJ backs off, and goes back to their table. Izzy is slumped in a chair, her coat already zipped up, purse dangling off her arm

Otabek cups Yuri's cheek, and dives back in for another kiss. Yuri matches is hard, needy pace, whimpering when Otabek pulls away.

"I want to see you again Yuri. Will you let me?" Otabek begs into Yuri's ear.

Yuri looks up at him, he's smiling, but his eyes look sad.

"I'd like that, but..."

Otabek doesn't want to hear what comes after the but. Whatever it is he'll deal with it when he has too. He wraps an arm around Yuri, and leads him back to the table. Otabek grabs his jacket and lays it over Yuri's shoulder, snugging it up around him.

"I don't want you getting cold again, it feels like you've only just warmed up."

"Won't you be cold?" Yuri asks

"No, I'm pretty warm," he bends down to whisper in Yuri's ear, "for some reason."

Yuri blushes, and takes his hand.

They walked out of the club, Otabek's arm around Yuri, pulling him as close as he can. JJ and Izzy a few yards ahead of them. Izzy staggers a bit, tired and drunk. JJ holds onto her elbow, keeping her up right.

Otabek opened the car door for Yuri, who slides inside. Yuri curls into him the minute he shuts the door. Their lips desperately seeking each other out.

"How will I find you? Can I have your number?" Otabek sighs.

"I don't have a phone, there's never any service out here."

Otabek frowns, "I have to see you again Yuri."

Yuri worries at his lip, "if you want to see me again, meet me next month, at Мираж."

"I can't see you sooner?"

Yuri looks sad again, shakes his head, and pulls him into another deep kiss. Otabek is too lost in the kiss to ask why they can't meet sooner.

They barely notice the car rumble to life, or the bumps in the road as they lumber through the woods. They continue kissing, until JJ speaks up.

"Where can we drop you off Yuri?"

Yuri sits back, a flash of panic in his eyes. He looks out the window, searching through the blackness. Eventually, he gets his bearings, and relaxes.

"There's a road up ahead, with a a red barn on the corner, you can't miss it. I'll walk from there."

"You can't walk home, let us drive you to your place." Otabek says.

"It's not a problem. My home is right down the road. It's not far. My Grandpa's asleep, I-I don't want to wake him."

"Are you sure?" Otabek asks, running his hand through Yuri's hair.

Yuri nodded, "Yeah, I'll be fine."

At least Otabek knows roughly where his grandpa lives now. If Yuri doesn't have a phone, and can't go into Moscow, at least he has a way to find him again. Yuri is right there next to him, and yet he's already desperate to see him again.

JJ pulls up next to the red barn. The road that leads past it is dark and lonely looking.

"You sure you'll be okay?" Otabek asks again, still holding onto him tightly.

"Of course, I know the road like the back of my hand. I'll be okay. I had a great time Beka, I hope I can see you again."

Yuri gives him one more lingering kiss. He slides out of Otabek's jacket, and handed it back to him, before sliding out of the car. He looks back once and smiles at Otabek. Then starts to walk, the darkness swallowing his small frame in one quick gulp.

Otabek shut the door, and the all too familiar emptiness returns.

They drive in silence for a few awhile. Izzy had fallen asleep the minute they pulled out of the parking lot. JJ looks at Otabek in the rear view mirror.

"You fell pretty hard for him, didn't you?"

Otabek can only nod, as he stared out the window.

"Are you gonna come back, and see him again?"

Otabek nods again, wondering how he's going to make through the next few weeks...

* * *

So yeah, let me know what you think. This isn't going to be as long as my other story. I had originally only wanted 3-4 chapters but I think it's gonna get bumped up to six. If you'd like a little added immersion, this is the song I listened to while writing this chapter. Bjork's Come to Me performed by Vitamin String Quartet watch?v=X9OwIZ1bcr8 it's a hauntingly beautiful version, and there is no singing, so reading while it's playing is doable. (I always get muddled up if I'm listening to someone singing while I read, but maybe that's just me.)


	2. Waiting

The song I listened to while planning and writing this is Roads by Portishead

I recommend giving it a listen, it really does set the tone for the chapter.

* * *

Otabek staggered into the rink the next morning, bleary eyed, with his head pounding. He was glad to see the fresh pot of coffee in the lobby, and poured himself a cup, singeing his tongue on the scalding hot liquid.

"Sonofabitch!" he barked out, wiping coffee off his scruffy chin. He had been so tired that morning that he hadn't even bothered to shave. It was all he could do to run a comb through his hair, and stumble to the rink.

Otabek dumped his bag on the bleachers, searching for the bottle of aspirin he knew was in there. He popped three in his mouth, washing it down with more hot coffee.

"Beks, you look like shit." JJ said, coming up alongside him, looking fresh as a daisy, showered, shaved, and full of energy.

Otabek groaned, "JJ, why aren't you hungover?"

"Come on," he says just a little too loudly, "I was the designated driver. I had two beers at the beginning of the night. I wasn't gonna kill us all on those roads. Did you eat?"

"Ugh, don't mention food right now." Otabek gripped his stomach.

It's wasn't just the beer he had drunk, that had him feeling worn, and sick. He'd had a restless nights sleep. His head filled with dreams of Yuri. The blond was so close, but every time he reached for him, he'd vanish. Only to reappear once more, beckoning Otabek to come nearer. He woke up several times in a cold sweat, the scent of lilies filling in his nose. It went on, and on for hours. The minute he shut his eyes, there was Yuri, green eyes shining, and slender fingers reaching out to him.

JJ sat down next to him, and fiddled with his skate guards. "Well we've got a few weeks until it's a full moon again. Think you can handle it?"

Otabek rolled his eyes, instantly regretting it as his head started to spin. He inhaled through his nose, waiting for the newest wave of nausea to pass. "I think I'll be okay."

It's a lie. It hadn't even been twenty fours hours, and he was already crawling the walls. His dream soaked night, had only made his desire for the blond grow. They had connected so easily, in more ways than just kissing. Talking to Yuri was like talking to an old friend, the conversation warm, and familiar. The four weeks staring down at him now sounded like an eternity. He could pass the time better if he could call, or text Yuri, but there was no chance of that. He'd have to settle for his memories of him, and the dreams that filled his head at night.

Otabek got through the day without issue, despite his hangover. That night, he collapsed onto his bed, exhausted, the pounding in his head diminished to just a dull ache. He downed a few more aspirin, before closing his tired eyes, hoping for more dreams of Yuri.

Almost four weeks has passed, and it was every bit the struggle he had anticipated. He'd driven himself mad with distractions. He'd reread a few of his favorite books, practice til his feet bled, and went out with JJ and Izzy. Anything to keep his mind off Yuri, and their next meeting.

Each night before going to bed, he looked up at the moon, noting it's progress. It grew smaller, and smaller after their night at Mirage, slowly morphing in a pale white sliver in the night sky. After that, it started to grow in size, and Otabek's heart waxed right alongside it. His need to see Yuri, growing a little more each day.

He realized halfway through the moons cycle what it was he was feeling.

He was pining for Yuri...

He had read stories where characters pined for one another. Desperately yearning for a glance, or a simple grazing touch from their estranged lover. Poor woeful characters who wasted away without their mates, losing the will to survive; only to blossom into life when their heart's desire returned to them.

At the time, Otabek couldn't relate, it was a nice idea in a bittersweet kind of way. But no one could feel like that in the real world, it was too raw for everyday life. People had jobs, and responsibilities, and bills to pay. Who had the time to feel that way, and still be able to function? Pining, yearning, longing...those were all just pretty words that were meant to tug at a readers heartstrings. But now...

There were days his heart ached for Yuri. So much so, that he had to leave the rink, and find a quiet spot to wait for his his heart to stop racing. His nights had become more, and more erratic with each passing day. There were nights were he slept soundly, nights where he slept in fits, and starts, and nights where he just paced the floor, wondering if Yuri was doing the same in his own bedroom, wherever that may be.

His dreams of Yuri had dissipated after the first few nights, only to return with a vengeance as the moon grew in size. More than a few times he woke up gripping his pillow, and gritting his teeth. Desperate to relieve the hardness between his legs, and the tightness in his chest. Other times, his dreams left him feeling wretched, and heartsick. Those dreams hit him the hardest. The ones where it had just been the two of them, enjoying a lazy day. Talking, and laughing together, or just holding one another in happy silence, like an old couple, so comfortable with one another that speech was unnecessary. He both feared, and longed for sleep. Hungry for rest, but anxious about what the outcome would be. Dreaming of Yuri had become a sweet torture that there was no escape from.

It was all so agonizing, so tumultuous...and he loved it, all of it. His psyche was taught like piano wire, endlessly humming, and thrumming inside him, making him feel so deliciously frantic, and alive. He felt worn, and frazzled, and almost maniacal at times...but alive.

The last few days before the full moon had been mechanical. Eat, train, sleep, repeat. He was just going through the motions, wanting to tick each day off, and move on to the next. Finally, the day came where he saw the little white circle on his calendar. The full moon was tonight.

He went to the rink early, unable to sleep. JJ found him and hour later, throwing himself into jump after jump, trying to burn off the excess energy inside himself. Otabek caught sight of him after a rather shaky landing, his knees already burning from the strain. He skated up to JJ, skidding to a halt at the edge, a flurry of snow hitting the wall.

"You still wanting to go tonight?" JJ asked handing him a cup of coffee. Otabek, took the offered cup, and gulped it down.

 _That's what I need right now...caffeine._

Otabek nodded, "what time?"

"Seven thirty."

Otabek tried to remain calm, but his hand jittered slightly as he brought the coffee to his lips. JJ caught the faint tremble, but said nothing. He silently hoped that this trip wasn't going to blow up in his friends face.

"Sounds good."

The day dragged on at a snails pace. It didn't help that he had gotten there way before practice time. He threw himself into his work, trying to keep his eyes from straying to the clock on the wall. He picked at his lunch, the butterflies in his stomach leaving little room for food.

JJ sat down next to him, "better eat Beks, don't want a hangover tonight like last time."

"I'm not sure I'll be drinking as much this time." he wanted to see Yuri with a clear head.

"No, you'll be too busy getting hot, and heavy with your new friend."

Otabek frowned, and bit into his sandwich, forcing himself to chew and swallow. "Whatever, JJ."

JJ smirked, "so have you talked to him since then?"

Otabek shook his head, "he doesn't have a phone. No service out in the sticks."

JJ set his drink down, giving Otabek an uneasy glance. "You haven't even talked to him? How do you even know he's going to be there tonight?"

Doubt crept in almost immediately. JJ had a point. As smitten as he was, he really didn't know Yuri. Him wanting to meet there again, could have been Yuri giving him the brush off, an easy way to distance himself without hurting his feelings. He felt all the butterflies in his belly die, leaving only cramped tightness in their wake.

Fuck, how could he have been so stupid?

 _Otabek, you stupid, naive fucker_. He cursed himself inwardly. He took a deep breath, trying to shake the doubt off. Recalling their short time together, the tightness abated slightly.

No...the way they had kissed, and talked, and laughed. It must have meant something. Otabek remembered the way Yuri clutched at his shirt when their lips touched. The way he had whimpered softly, when Otabek broke their kiss. That last, winsome smile Yuri had given him, before disappearing down that snowy, tenebrous road.

To Otabek, it had meant everything, the only way he'd know if Yuri felt the same, was to make the long trip to Mirage once more. If Yuri was there, he'd know it wasn't just all in his head. He could get to know him a little more, maybe find a way to see him that didn't involve waiting another month. If not... it would mean that the weeks of waiting had been a waste. He'd be nothing more than a fool, a stupid, empty fool.

Oddly enough, Otabek hadn't felt empty inside the last few weeks. Sure, he was tired, and nervous, and his subconscious teased him relentlessly at night, but not empty. He had been happy, enjoying the strange, anxious tension inside himself that made him shiver whenever he thought of Yuri.

Damn it, he'd been hopeful.

If it turned out that it had all been for nothing...

"He'll be there." Was all he could manage to say. It was as much an answer to JJ's question, as it was a way sooth the doubt in his own mind.

"I hope so, Beks. I hope so."

That night he showered and dressed. His butterflies had risen from the dead and had doubled in size, as it got closer to the time to leave. Otabek locked the door to his apartment, and paced the street waiting for JJ and Izzy to come over with the car. He needed to burn a little energy off, sitting and waiting just made it worse.

Otabek almost hoped to see Yuri walking down the dirt road again. They were a little earlier than before, but maybe Yuri was just as anxious as he was.

 _Or he's not there at are all, you idiot_.

Otabek's brain had been pummeling him with doubt since lunch. He tried hard to not let it get to him, but they had just rounded the corner where they had picked Yuri up before, and there was no sign of him. He let out a frustrated sigh.

"He'll be there Beks." JJ soothed.

He knew he was to blame for Otabek's uncertainty. It was clear to him now, that it had never entered Otabek's that Yuri might not show. JJ shook his head, no matter how hard Otabek tried to hide it, JJ knew his friend was a hopeless romantic. JJ prayed Yuri would show, if he didn't, he might have to find Yuri himself, if only to clock him for hurting his friend. He wanted Otabek to be happy, to have what he and Izzy had. Otabek was a good person, kind, smart, talented, he was even funny, once you got past his stony exterior. He deserved love, and he had so much to give in return.

JJ realized that if Yuri didn't show, it would be on him to console his friend. While he wasn't against going out, and drinking away the pain with him, he knew this time it would be different. Otabek had smiled more in the past few weeks, than he had in the nearly seven years he had known him. He wasn't sure why Otabek had taken to Yuri. JJ had only spoken to him a few times that first night, and it had been nothing but rude remarks, and eye rolls. He certainly wasn't the nicest person he'd ever met, but who was he to judge? Otabek was obviously head over heels, and if the surly blond made him happy, then more power to him.

They parked outside the club, and walked inside. Otabek all the while searching for a flash of white blond hair. His shoulders slumped when he came up empty.

"Come on Beks," JJ slung an around over his shoulder, "you need a drink. I'm buying."

They grabbed a table near the back again, and JJ went to bar to order a few drinks. Otabek scanned the room, foot bouncing nervously on the floor.

"Otabek, calm down, it's still early." Izzy said, laying a hand on his shoulder. Otabek stopped his nervous twitching, but his eyes never stopped scanning the room.

JJ came back with shots, handing Otabek two of them.

"You don't have to drink the second one now, but just in case he doesn't show, at least you can get hammered."

Izzy kicked him from under the table, "don't say that to him now! Can't you see he's nervous enough?"

JJ took his shot, and reached down to rub his shin.

"It's fine Izzy," Otabek said gulping back his shot, "he meant well."

JJ and Izzy left him at the table, while they danced. Otabek was glad to see them go. He couldn't take the worried glances they kept giving him. An hour went by, and there was still no sign of Yuri.

Otabek had downed his second shot, the pain of being stood up already starting to sting. The hazy buzz washing over him dulled the pain, but it wasn't enough. JJ had it right, if he didn't show, at least he could drink enough to forget, or even better black out completely. It would suck for JJ, to have to carry his ass back to the car, but he had done it for JJ hundreds of times over the years. It wouldn't kill him to return favor.

He left the table to grab another shot, and stood watching the crowd of dancers. All of them blissfully drunk, and smiling. He knocked back his third shot, and set the glass down, hearing it smack against the bar. He was about to order a fourth, when his eyes landed on a familiar face standing by the door.

He'd come...

Their eyes locked. Both men sharing the same look of surprise and relief. The tightness in Otabek's stomach untangled, leaving him loose and noodly against the bar. For a moment they just stared at one another, both to afraid to move, for fear the other would disappear. Otabek chest pounded, but he couldn't tell if it was the pulsing bass that filled the room, or of his own making.

Otabek took a few deep breaths, urging his feet to move towards the lithe blond. There was no need. Yuri charged at him full force, not caring who he mowed down in the process, and leapt into his embrace. Otabek staggered back, the force nearly knocking the wind out of him. He got his footing, and wrapped his arms around him. Yuri's body was cold against him, but he could feel his warm breath on his ear as he let out a shaky, quiet laugh.

"I didn't think you'd come..." he whispered. Otabek held onto him tightly, Yuri's feet hovering in the air. Otabek pulled back, and gazed at Yuri's shining green eyes, and kissed him. All the fear, and pain melting away as their lips touched.

"I didn't think you'd come either." he rasped in his ear, "I was worried you'd change your mind."

Yuri shook his head, and felt his black high tops finally touch the floor. He tugged at Otabek's hand.

"Come outside with me Beka."

Yuri was wearing the same black outfit he wore last time. Otabek was beginning to wonder if the he even owned a decent coat. Otabek had dressed warmly in layers this time, wearing a fleece hoody under his worn leather jacket. All in the hopes that he could have another chance to wrap Yuri in his coat. Otabek wrapped the warm leather around Yuri's shoulders, and led him outside.

They found a fire pit, not surrounded by people. Otabek embraced him by the fire, still shocked that Yuri had come.

"I missed you Yuri." he said quietly into his pale neck.

Yuri ran a hand through his soft black hair, "I missed you too, so much. I couldn't wait to see you again. It felt like the moon would never be full."

Otabek sat down in one of the worn wooden adirondack chairs. Yuri wasted no time crawling into his lap. Otabek was surprised at first, but once Yuri had settled into his lap, and nestled his head on his shoulder, he relaxed.

"How have you been?" Yuri asked.

"Do you want the truth?"

Yuri quirked his head, "of course."

"I've been a wreck. I couldn't eat, or sleep. I could hardly get myself out of bed to go to practice. It's like I've been in a fog for four weeks."

Yuri nestled into him. "If it helps, I've been the same. The waiting has been torture."

Otabek ran his hand over Yuri's back soothingly. They sat quietly for moment, until Otabek cleared his throat. They were together now, and he wasn't going to wasted it.

"What have you been up to?"

Yuri stiffened a bit, but eased as Otabek ran a hand through his blond hair.

"Not much, waiting mainly." Yuri said. They sat in silence for a bit, staring in to the fire, and listening to crowds of people chattering around them.

Yuri played with the zipper of Otabek's jacket, head resting on his shoulder. "Beka, tell me something about yourself."

Otabek sighed, kissing his forehead, "what do you want to know?"

Yuri shrugged, "I dunno, everything? Tell me about your family."

Otabek took a moment, wondering where to start. "Well, I'm an only child for starters."

"Me too."

"My parents wanted more, but it never happened. My dad passed away when I was eight. My mother never remarried. It was just the two of us. She...passed away a year ago. Now, it's just me."

"I'm sorry Beka." Yuri said cupping his cheek.

"What about you?"

"My story's pretty simple. My parents weren't married. They were young, I was a mistake, and they didn't want me. So they left me with my Grandpa. I never saw my parents after that. Not much to it really."

"I'm sorry, that must be hard. I can't imagine what that must be like."

Yuri shrugged, "Grandpa's great. I never knew my parents, so it doesn't hurt as much as you think. It's sad, but it is what it is."

Otabek smiled, and pulled him into a kiss. They sat huddled against one another for awhile. Otabek thought he had died and gone to heaven. Just holding him like this was a dream. He felt Yuri's chest rise, and fall against him, his blond hair falling around them in thick golden sheets. It was all he could have hoped for.

"I dreamed about you a lot." Otabek said, breaking the silence.

"You did?"

Otabek nodded, "I dreamed we were sitting, and talking, just like this." he chuckled, "only not outside in the freezing cold."

Yuri gave him a smirk, "is that all you dreamed about?"

Otabek felt his face flush, "no...I dreamed about other things too."

"Hmmm." Yuri purred, turning playful. "I wish we could do those things right now."

Otabek felt like he was about to combust. He was sure Yuri could feel the hardness through his jeans. Otabek ran his hand down Yuri's leg, but stopped himself before he got to the pert curve of Yuri's ass. He heard a breathy, frustrated whimper escape Yuri's lips.

"Why'd you stop?" Yuri whispered in his ear.

"Too many people. I'm not one for putting on a show." Otabek shifted in his seat, trying to take the pressure off his groin.

"Want to go somewhere?" Yuri purred, scraping his nails over Otabek's scalp. Otabek let out a pleasured sigh.

He did, he wanted to, more than anything. Even if it was just a few yards away into the treeline. The thought of pushing Yuri against a tree, and sliding his leather pants down, just enough to gain access was enough to make him shudder. The frigid air would turn them both frantic, and greedy, eager to finish before their limbs started to freeze. He pictured Yuri's gasps and moans turning into clouds of cold mist, that would float up into the naked trees. It would be fast and hard, slaking their desire in just a few brief moments.

"I would." Otabek started.

Yuri jumped out of his seat, already starting to pull at his hand.

"But.." Otabek stood up, "we've only met twice now. I don't want to rush things. I've rushed before, with others...it never ended well."

Yuri gave him a disappointed look, but it faded into a small smile, "does that mean you want to keep seeing me?"

Otabek caressed his cheek, "I do. I just wish I could see you more than once a month."

Yuri stepped back, "I do too, but it's just not possible."

"Why? Why isn't it possible? Why can we only meet here? What are you a werewolf, or something?" Otabek teased, trying to lighten the mood.

Yuri gave a quiet laugh, "no, I'm not a werewolf. It's just hard for me to get away. It's...complicated," his voice broke, "you wouldn't understand."

"Try me."

Yuri opened his mouth, ready to spill his guts, but then snapped it shut. Tears pricked his eyes, "No, I can't. I just..."

Otabek pulled him into his arms, "Shhh, it's okay. I'm sorry, I won't push you. If this is the only way I can see you then I will. If you aren't ready to talk about it, then we'll save it for another night."

It was difficult to defer the subject for another time. It would mean another four weeks of waiting. Four more weeks of heartache, that he knew would only be worse the second time around. But, he looked at the tears glistening on Yuri's porcelain cheeks, and let the matter die, for the time being.

"Then let's talk more, about other things." Otabek said pressing a soft kiss to Yuri's lips.

"I'd like that."

They talked for most of the night. Yuri huddled in Otabek's lap clad in his leather jacket. Otabek had stoked the fire, getting a nice blaze going that kept the cold at bay. It was mostly Yuri asking the questions, about his family, his home country, and the things he liked to do.

Otabek answered freely, telling stories about his friends at home, and the trouble they used to get into. He talked about his mother, and what a hard worker she had been. After his dad passed, she worked doubly hard to see that he never wanted for anything.

"My grandfather was the same. He worked three jobs when I was little, just to put food on the table."

Otabek leaned back, holding Yuri close. This was literally a dream come true for him. The more they talked, the more Otabek knew he wanted to be with Yuri indefinitely. He'd never talked like this with anyone, it was so freeing, so exhilarating. The only thing that would make it better, would be seeing Yuri everyday. Waking up next to him, and curling around him at night. He knew those things would come later, hopefully.

JJ watched the couple from the club door, relieved to see the small blond perched in his lap. Izzy came up beside him.

"I guess he showed up." she said, sipping her beer.

"Yeah." JJ took the beer from Izzy's hand, and put it to his lips. "Beks looks happy doesn't he?"

"He does, I think that's the first time I've ever seen a genuine smile on his face."

"I hope this guy's decent. I'd hate to give Yuri the shovel talk."

"Beka is a big boy, he can handle it. For now, let's just let them be happy."

The couple retreated back into the club, both feeling a little lighter now that Otabek was squared away.

Yuri and Otabek eventually made their way to the dance floor for a few songs, but by that time it was already getting both chose not to acknowledge the dread in each others eyes, as the music slowed and decreased in volume. The bartender shouted last call, and people scrambled to get one last drink in for the night. Yuri threw his arms around Otabek's neck, still clad in his warm leather jacket, and let out a weak cry.

"No...no...I don't want it to be over, not yet..." he choked.

Otabek cradled his head, "I don't either. Fuck, I wish I could see you more."

"Me too, but..." Yuri said, face pressed into Otabek's broad chest.

"I know you can't, it's okay." Otabek tilted Yuri's chin up to meet his gaze. Yuri's checks were rosy, his green eyes glazed.

"It's only a few weeks. We'll manage. Until then, would you do something for me?"

"Of course, anything."

Otabek led them outside, away from the crowd, and pulled out his phone. He switched it to record, and held it up to Yuri's face.

"Say something Yura, so I have something to keep me company until I see you again."

Yuri's cheeks flushed, and he covered his face with his hands, laughing nervously. Otabek recorded him, as he floundered for something to say.

"Shit Beka, I don't know what to say." he laughed.

"Anything, just so I can hear your voice."

Yuri thought for a moment and smiled. It was like a flip had been switched, his eyes went dark and sultry, as he nibbled his bottom lip.

"Beka..." he whined, like a seasoned porn star, "I miss you, I miss your kisses, the way your hands feel when they're on me. I miss grinding my hips up against you when we dance. I want you...I want you to do dirty, dirty things to me..." Yuri's eye's pleaded, as he pouted to the camera, "I want you so bad Beka." He made sure to wring out his name at the end. Yuri couldn't hold his sultry face for long. He erupted into loud boisterous laughter, and smiled his normal smile. "It's just a few weeks Beka, and then we'll see each other again. "

Otabek felt his cheeks grow hot, and an all too familiar tightness in his jeans. He fumbled with his phone, his shakey hands turning the camera off.

"Umm...that was...wow." he exhaled sharply, eyes darkening.

"Think that will tide you over?" Yuri asked, snaking his arm around Otabek's waist.

"Definitely, I only wish you had a phone, so I could do the same." he felt guilty that Yuri was walking away with nothing.

"It's okay. I've got it all up here." Yuri tapped a slender finger to his head.

JJ and Izzy met them at the car, and they started down the dark road.

"Same place as last time Yuri?" JJ asked.

Yuri tore his lips away from Otabek's for a few scant seconds, "S'fine" he muttered before diving back in. As they lumbered down the road, Yuri's hands began to roam. He silently he ran his hand over Otabek's crotch, cupping him, pressing the heel of hand into his jeans. Otabek inhaled sharply through his nose, but let him continue, gently thrusting his hips against his hand. There was a thought in the back of Otabek's head that told him to stop. He glanced at the couple in the front seat. Izzy was already passed out, and JJ had switched the radio on, turning the volume up a bit.

 _I'd turn it up too, if I had people getting off in the back of my car...he thought._

He felt self-conscious, but only for a moment. He recalled all the times he had sat, and watched JJ and Izzy blatantly make out in his presence. Not even so much as giving him a fair warning. JJ had no qualms about toying and teasing Izzy in front of him, and she never made any effort to stop him. Neither of them had given any thought to his comfort, why should he be any different? Paybacks a bitch, and he wasn't about to stop on their account. Not after hearing Yuri grind out his name on camera.

His inhibitions ceased, and he reached out to stroke Yuri's erection. The leather slick and cold against his hand. Yuri gasped quietly, and Otabek silenced him with a fervent kiss.

He felt like a fumbling teenager, groping for any bit of purchase. They worked at each other frantically through the layers of fabric, until Otabek's hips started to stutter, and Yuri's small needy whines diminished into harsh ragged breaths. Otabek's body flexed, and jerked silently, as wet warmth soak through his boxers. Yuri shuddered beside him for few short moments, before he relaxed, and nestled into Otabek's shoulder.

"That's going to only make the next four weeks even worse." Otabek growled softly into Yuri's ear. Yuri hummed in agreement. The two sat quietly for the rest of the ride, hands intertwined, until JJ stopped the car near the barn.

They kissed once more, and whispered a few words of goodbye, before Yuri slid out of the car, and down the road. Otabek shut the door, and re situated himself, his soggy jeans growing cold.

JJ cleared his throat, "I guess I deserved that, after all the shit Izzy, and I put you through."

Otabek huffed out a quiet laugh, and nodded. "That's kind of what I thought. All's fair in love, and war you know."

"I guess we're coming back next month? "

Otabek laid his forehead against the frosty window, watching the bare trees whip past. "Yes. You don't have to come, but I might steal the car if you don't."

JJ chuckled to himself, "That's fine. I guess it's good you want to see him again."

Otabek met his stare in the mirror, "why?"

"He took your jacket."

Otabek looked down at his gray fleece hoody.

JJ was right.

* * *

Hope you liked it, let me know what you think.


	3. Excess Energy

The next day Otabek was feeling renewed. His head hurt a little, but he had no hangover to speak of. His night had been a long dreamless sleep, that he was eternally grateful for. It was the first time he had slept soundly in weeks.

He met JJ on the street, and the two walked to the rink.

"Hey Romeo, you look better than you did last time."

Otabek gave him a smirk, "I feel better than last time."

"So, any thoughts on how you're going to get your jacket back? You aren't really going to wait another four weeks are you?"

Otabek shook his head. He'd thought about it all the way home the night before. The jacket had been his fathers, it was one of the few things his mother had kept for him. If it had been an old hoody, or a team jacket, he wouldn't have cared so much about getting it back. He wasn't worried that Yuri would do something to it, but four weeks was a long time, he could forget it the next time they met. He only had a short time in St. Petersbourg, he couldn't risk losing it, and he already felt naked without it.

On the bright side, it gave him an opportunity to seek Yuri out. Yuri was adamant that they couldn't see one another until next month, but that was before he'd walked away with Otabek's most treasured possession. Surely, it wouldn't be a problem to just come by and get it?

"I guess I'll have to drive out there and see if I can find his grandfathers house. He said he lived with him."

"Well, let me know when you want to go back, and I'll lend you the car."

When would he be able to go back? Not during the week, he had too much to do. It was Thursday already, he could wait another two days.

Training was good, training kept his thoughts in check. His coach had made a comment on how focused he was that day, which only made Otabek want to push himself further. He reminded himself that he had a job to do. Yuri still clouded his mind more than half the time, but on the ice he was determined stay focused. He didn't want another season like last year. If he did, he'd have to start considering early retirement, if only to save himself more embarrassment.

That night Otabek ordered take out, and tried to read. But his mind kept drifting back to the night before. He looked at his phone, yesterday this time he was talking with Yuri sitting happily in his lap. In another few hours they would've been in the back of JJ's car, kissing and...

He felt his cock twitch, and he slammed his book shut.

One more day, and he'd see him again. He'd waited four weeks before, this was just one day. He could do this.

JJ was standing on the street the next morning, waiting for Otabek. He looked up when he heard someone cheerfully whistling a nameless tune; shocked to see Otabek coming down the last flight of stairs. JJ had never heard his friend do anything so light hearted in his life. He'd heard Otabek once or twice, humming his program music to himself, while he ran through his routine in his head. Lots of skaters did that, most didn't even know they were doing it half the time. This was different. He sounded cheerful, it was almost unsettling.

"If I had know you'd be this pleasant to be around, I would have made you go clubbing with me sooner." JJ teased, "although if we'd stayed in town you wouldn't have met that sweet little blond of yours."

Otabek's smile faded, "don't talk about him like that JJ."

JJ held his hands up, "sorry Beks, I was only kidding. Seriously though, I haven't seen you this excited about someone...well, ever."

It was true. Despite the distance problem, and Yuri's mysterious background, things were going pretty well. Normally, after the second date he was hyper aware of insecurities, and overly cautious. Terrified that his weirdness would show.

This time was different. Yuri wasn't weirded out by him, in fact Yuri had his own set of oddities. Maybe that was what all the others had been lacking. Otabek needed a fellow misfit, who had his own issues, and eccentricities. Yuri was like a kindred spirit. Peculiar, unrefined...and magnificent.

After practice that day, JJ invited him to dinner. Otabek declined, saying that practice had exhausted him. Another lie. He just wanted to go home, and sleep his night away. It was the easiest way to get through the next few hours until morning.

"I guess you'll need the car tomorrow?" JJ asked.

"Yeah, if you don't mind?"

"You can have it for as long as you want tomorrow. Izzy and I were planning on staying in anyway."

Otabek thanked him, and headed for his room. He reheated his take out and ate in silence, listening to the tick, tick, tick of the clock on the wall. The sound grated on him, he didn't need to be reminded of the time. He quickly took it off the wall and removed the batteries, sighing with relief. He took his empty dishes to the sink, washed them and left them to dry in the dish rack.

He tried to read in bed for awhile, but after re-reading the same sentence nine times he shut the book, and tossed it on the floor.

He felt stifled and wired, and it was way too early for sleep. He needed something to occupy his time, something that wouldn't involve much thought.

He remembered the little video on his phone.

 _"I want you to do dirty...dirty things to me."_

That would do nicely.

He pulled his pajama bottoms down and gave himself a few slow tugs. He thought of Yuri nibbling his bottom lip, as he whined out ' _Beka_ ' for the camera. He stiffened in record time, and fumbled for the lube in his nightstand with his free hand. He teased himself for awhile, pressing the heel of his hand into his groin, just like Yuri had done the night before. He closed his eyes, pretending it was Yuri's slender white hand stroking him, and not his own, all too familiar palm. For awhile it was enough, it took the edge off, and he felt his body relax. He thought of the decadent little bleats Yuri made, as he shuddered and released in his black leather pants. His eyes flicked towards his phone.

 _Not yet...just a little more..._

He bucked his hips, nudging his dick through his fist, watching the head of his cock dip in, and out of his grip, once...twice...three times... His eyes fluttered shut, and he let out a gravelly sigh. His feet flexed so hard his toes spread apart, and the sharp twinge of an oncoming foot cramp began to creep in. He ignored it, focusing on his memories of Yuri.

 _"I want you so bad Beka...the way your hands feel when they're on me."_

He was already so fucking close, his body rigid and compact, like one enormous bony joint about to crack, and release. He reached for his phone, as he pumped with his other hand. His thumb slid over to the video file. He watched in anticipation, as the loading circle went round and round, the waiting made it so much sweeter. It gave him a chance to stave off the inevitable. The file opened, but instead of seeing Yuri's sultry glare, it was a plain blank screen...

 **File not found**

It wasn't there...Otabek stopped his ministrations, and flicked through his videos, thinking he tapped the wrong one. There was nothing.

 _Shit, no no no!_

His cock softened, his toes relaxed, and all the the delicious, building tension disintegrated into nothing. In a fit of abject rage he threw his phone at the wall, fuming at being denied Yuri's voice.

"Fuck!" He shouted through tightly gritted teeth, he smacked a balled up fist hard against his thigh. He'd have a bruise there in the morning, he almost prayed for one, he wanted it be as dark, and ugly, and raw as he felt right now.

He yanked his pants over his hips and got out of bed, cursing loudly as he snatched his phone up to inspect it. The screen had cracked.

 _Great..._

He could now add asinine to the long list of things he was already feeling.

His desire had been snuffed out, and there would be no getting it back. He changed clothes, and shoved his feet into his sneakers.

He'd go for a run, it would wear him out, and hopefully clear his mind. It was bitter cold outside, but he'd force himself to fill his lungs with sharp, biting air, and push his legs until they burned. It wasn't the relief he wanted, but the end result would be the same. He'd be tired enough to sleep.

The next morning he woke up early. His muscles ached, and there was a large mottled bruise on his thigh. He sat on the edge of the bed, poking at the purple splotch, utterly mortified by his actions during the night. Otabek picked up his phone to check the time, the crack in the screen now a permanent reminder of his petulance.

He showered, letting the hot water sooth his muscles while he washed himself, and shampooed his hair. He dressed himself, and searched his closet for his old gray pea coat. He almost didn't pack it, but his mother had insisted he bring something warmer than his dads leather jacket. If it wasn't for her, he would have had a very long, cold drive ahead of him.

Instead of scrounging his bare cupboards for breakfast, he walked down to the cafe at the end of the block. A hot breakfast was infinitely better than cold cereal. When he was finished he went over to JJ's room, and knocked on the door.

JJ answered, sleepy eyed, in nothing but a pair of blue silk boxers that were almost the same color as his eyes. Otabek suspected Izzy had purchased them, he couldn't see JJ putting that much thought into his underwear.

"Beks? What time is it?" he yawned, scratching his chest.

Otabek rubbed the back of his head, "Umm, almost nine. I came for the keys."

JJ fumbled at the hook by the door, and handed him the keys.

"Nine? Little eager aren't we?"

Otabek gave him a half smile, "something like that."

"You know where you're going right? Need directions?"

Otabek shook his head, "I looked the club up last night. I've got a rough idea of where I'm going. I'll figure it out."

JJ yawned, "have fun Beks. Tell Yuri I said hi."

"I'm sure he'll be glad to hear it." Otabek lied. It was strange how easy lying was, even if they were little white ones.

An hour had gone by, and Otabek was pretty sure he had made a wrong turn. He prided himself on his good sense of direction, and preferred to us an actual map, rather than rely of GPS. He was on the side of the road, staring at the map spread over the hood of his car. His finger traced the route he was supposed to be on, and then over to where he was. This would be easier if everything wasn't covered in snow. All the roads out this way looked the same when they were all white and muddy, and streets signs were almost non existent.

He had to turn around a few more times, and barely missed his turn off, but eventually he found himself driving down a familiar lumpy dirt road.

His stomach had started to tighten the minute he saw the barn at the top of the road. Otabek stopped the car before turning. Christ he was nervous. Was coming early in the morning like this too weird? Would they be up? Shit, what if they weren't home? Was he prepared to wait? He would be happy to do so, though he was pretty sure that was getting close to stalker territory.

 _Well you've come this far. You want to see him, and you need your jacket back. Man up and do it already._

Otabek turned the car down the road. He was already a mile into it and there were no houses in sight.

Had Yuri walked this whole way home? He wanted to smack himself for letting him go this far alone.

After another half mile, there were signs of life starting to pop up. He passed a few dilapidated houses, some rusty trailers, a cemetery, corner store, and an unmanned gas station. He kept going, any one of the houses he had passed might have been Yuri's home, but he kept going. The town (if you could call it that) wasn't big, he followed the road a bit more. The houses further in were a little nicer, they were old, but had been well maintained. He hadn't anticipated there being more so many houses, but they all seemed to be centered on the road he was on. He could always stop and ask a neighbor, in a small place like this he figured everyone knew each other.

Just as he was about to stop and ask, he saw a weather beaten mailbox with 'Plisetsky' painted on the side. He slammed on the breaks, which caused the wheels to lock up, and skid. He managed to gain control, and come to a stop without hitting anything. As shitty as the car was it seems the brakes were up to snuff at least.

There it was. Yuri's home.

It was a small gray house, that looked like it had been lovingly maintained over the years. Smoke drifted from the chimney, he hoped that meant someone was home.

The tightness worsened as Yuri's words rang in his ears.

 _"It's just not possible...it's complicated...I'd like to see you but..."_

He wished Yuri could have elaborated a bit more on his situation. There were any number of reasons why Yuri was hesitant to see him more. He could be younger than he admitted, maybe his grandfather was overly strict. Shit, he could be in a goddamn cult for all he new.

 _Yuri, who are you? Why are you so afraid? What can I do to help you?_

Otabek braced himself, and made his way up the icy stairs, gripping onto the equally slick metal railing. He made it to the porch without slipping, and knocked.

There was no answer, he was about to knock again, when a man who looked to be in his late sixties opened the door. He had the same sharp green eyes as Yuri.

"Can I help you young man?" His face was smiling, and his voice was warm pleasant. He had a salt and pepper beard, and the weathered hands of someone who had worked hard his entire life.

Otabek held out his hand to shake, "Yes sir, my name is Otabek Altin. You don't know me, but I met your grandson Yuri a few nights back. And well, he accidentally went home with something that belongs to me. I thought I'd come by to get it, and maybe talk with him a little."

The smile on the mans face crumbled, and his eyes turned dark and hard. It was the same hard expression Yuri had given JJ on the side of the road that first night. Otabek noticed the mans hand begin to tremble on the door knob. The man said nothing to Otabek. He turned his back on him, and slammed the door, the brass knocker flapping wildly in his face.

Otabek was left on the porch, stunned into silence.

He really hoped he had not just gotten Yuri into trouble.


	4. Snow

Otabek wasn't sure how long he had been sitting in the car, the frigid air was starting to seep into his bones making his elbows and ankles ache. He white knuckled the steering wheel, while cursing himself mentally.

 _Shit, shit, shit, why did I think this was a good idea?_

The old man had looked like he was set on killing him right there on the doorstep. Otabek was more than willing to let the man take his anger out on him, if it meant Yuri would come out unscathed, but Yuri's fate had been sealed though, with the slamming of the door.

His grandfather was a large, barrel chested man; and while age was not on his side, he could easily snap Yuri's willowy figure in two if he put his mind to it. Yuri was very small, and his grandfather looked like the type of man who had done things he wasn't proud of...or maybe he was...Otabek couldn't decide which was worse. His mind raced through all the ways he could put things to rights, but they all involved going back up those ice coated stairs, and speaking to, _the most_ terrifying man he'd ever met. He was pretty certain that any attempt at apologizing would end with him, or Yuri, dead in a ditch somewhere in the frozen wasteland, not to be discovered until the Spring thaw. And Spring was a very long ways away.

Otabek shuddered at the thought. Yuri would be knee deep in shit after this, and it was all his goddamn fault. If it was difficult for Yuri to get away before, it would be damn near impossible for him to sneak out now. Otabek was positive he'd never see Yuri again after this, and it was all his own doing.

"Fuck!" He shouted slamming his hand against the steering wheel, " fuck, fuck, fuck!"

He laid his forehead on the steering wheel, and willed himself to breathe deeply. He was on his third exhale, when he heard a sharp wrap on the window. He froze, eyes slowly dragging towards the sound.

There, staring at him, was Yuri's grandfather.

 _Idiot. You've been sitting outside his house for how long now? You should have just tucked tail and ran. Nowhere to go now._

Otabek's heart started to hammer away in his chest, unsure of what to do. For a moment the two men just looked at one another, until the old man gestured for him to roll down the window. Otabek considered just starting the car and tearing off, but it would be a gutless move on his part.

The man tapped again. Otabek had made his decision. Whatever it was this man had to say, he wanted to hear it, no matter how terrified he was. He reached over to turn the crank, opening the window just a few inches.

To his surprise, the old man's face was no longer hard, and menacing. He looked softer now, almost penitent. Otabek stayed wary nonetheless

"I'm sorry young man, for the way I acted before. Would you come in for a bit? I have tea brewing, and you've been out here for so long you're lips are turning blue."

Otabek glanced in the mirror. He was right, he could see a light tinge of grayish blue outlining his lips. He had been so angry with himself he hadn't even noticed that he was shivering.

Otabek nodded tenatively, opened the door and made his way up to Yuri's home. The old man opened the front door, allowing Otabek to walk through first. He hesitated for a moment, either the man was truly sorry for his earlier actions, or he was smart, and didn't want any witnesses to the throttling he was about to dole out.

Either way it was too late for Otabek to back out now.

Otabek stepped inside. The place was clean, but cramped. The couch was lumpy, and sunken in the middle, as was the hunter green recliner that stood near the door. A worn brown carpet ran across the floor, and a small fire burned in the fireplace. There were dozens of photos on the walls, and the air hung heavy with the scent of cigarettes and last nights dinner.

"My names Nikolai." he says calmly, "I'm Yuri's grandfather. Tea's ready if you'd like a cup."

"I would, thank you. It was a long drive from Moscow, and my cars heater doesn't work very well."

Nikolai busied himself in the kitchen, while Otabek stayed on the worn runner near the door, waiting for his shoes to stop dripping snow. He looked at the pictures on the wall next to him. They were mostly family photos, in old mismatched frames. There was one of a woman with lwhite blond hair like Yuri's, holding an infant. The one next to it, was of a much younger Nikolai standing next to a young boy scowling at the camera. There were much older photos as well, a couple on their wedding day, and the same couple with a young blond girl resting on the woman's hip. They all looked so happy, and hopeful, with their whole lives before them. He scanned the walls, until his eyes fell on a familiar face.

It was Yuri, dressed in a costume of white, with a pair of ice skates strapped to his feet.

Yuri hadn't mentioned he had skated. Otabek's heart started to beat, yet another thing they had in common. Why didn't he tell him?

Nikolai handed him a mug of tea.

"I didn't know Yuri skated, he didn't tell me."

Nikolai stared at him dubiously, and Otabek stiffened. "You know which one is him?"

Otabek pointed to the photo of Yuri, "yes, of course I do. He's hard to miss."

Nikolai cleared his throat, "you, you must have met him before."

"No sir, not until a few weeks ago. I'm from Kazakhstan. I'm a figure skater as well," he said gazing at the picture of Yuri in his sparkling white costume, "but I've never met him. I haven't seen him at any of the competitions either."

"Has someone put you up to this young man?" There was no venom in Nikolai's words, it was as if all the energy had drained out of him.

Otabek was taken aback. "No sir. A friend, and I picked Yuri up a few weeks ago on the side of the road. We were headed to Mirage, and he said he was too. We gave him a ride, and we got to know each other. I met him there again a few nights ago."

Nikolai's hand started to tremble, his tea starting to slosh over the edge.

"Sir, are you alright?" Otabek asked. Nikolai looked as if he was about to crumple in on himself. Nikolai coughed a few times, and drew himself up, his trembling ceased.

"Mr. Altin, there's no way you could have met my grandson last night. He's been dead for over a year."

The words don't register at first. Nikolai must be joking. He'd heard that the Russian's had a dark sense of humor, but even this seemed excessive. Otabek expected the man to crack a smile, but he looked deadly serious. Nikolai picked up an old album off the coffee table, and turned to one of the last pages, pulling out an old newspaper clipping.

"Skating hopeful Yuri Plisetsky killed at age 19."

Underneath is a grainy photo of Yuri smiling, in that same white costume.

The mug in Otabek's hand dropped to the floor, it's contents spattering onto the worn brown carpet. Nikolai grabbed a towel, and laid it over the spill.

Otabek stood there, eyes locked on the towel, watching the tan liquid seep into it. He must've been standing there silent for a long time, his chest was starting to burn, and things were starting to grow hazy along the edges.

 _Breathe...you need to breathe..._

Otabek inhaled sharply, "I...I saw him the other night." Part of him was speaking to Nikolai, the other part was talking to himself, trying to make sense of it. "He had long blonde hair, and green eyes. He...he had leopard print laces in his shoes. I'm not making this up sir, I swear! I spent two whole nights talking with him. He can't be dead."

 _He can't be dead...it's impossible..._

"I assure you he is. He died walking to that club you went to last night." his voice faltered a little, "I told him it was too cold to go, but he snuck out and went anyway. It was dark, and it had been snowing for hours. He was..." Nikolai's voice hitched, as he recounted the demise of his only grandson, "struck by a car, while walking on the side of the road. The car kept going, they didn't even stop to see if he was okay. No one found him until the next morning. His injuries weren't severe, he would have survived. If the driver had stopped...or if someone had found him sooner. He died from the cold." Nikolai sniffled, and dabbed at his eyes with his worn knitted sweater. The man no longer looked like the hard, burly man that had met him at the door. Now he was just a withered old man who had nothing left, but grief and memories.

Otabek felt sick, he could feel his stomach starting to lurch. He sank into the worn, green recliner and ran his hands through his hair, tugging hard at his black locks, hoping it would somehow negate the roiling in his gut. Hot tears pricked his eyes, he squeezed them shut, forcing them back.

 _Not here...not now._

"We dropped him off at the top of this road the other night. He was wearing my jacket, and said he'd be fine. I came by today to get my jacket from him, and I wanted to see..." he didn't want to upset the man anymore than he already was. "if he wanted to be friends."

 _More than friends..._

Nikolai patted his shoulder lightly. "He would have liked to have had a friend. I don't think he really had any except for me, and Potya." He pointed to an ancient looking Himalayan curled in a ball, snoozing by the fire.

"I don't have many myself." Otabek swallowed hard against the lump in his throat, "he was a figure skater too? I wish I had known."

Nikolai reopened the album that the clipping came from. There were dozens of pictures of Yuri at different ages, some in costume, others just skating on the ice in street clothes. He was smiling in every photo.

"He was a good skater, but he wasn't able to compete as much as he liked. We couldn't afford the coaching fees, or the cost of travel. He never made it to any of the big competitions, but he had always dreamed of someday winning gold at the..." he stroked his beard, searching for the words.

"Grand Prix." Otabek said blankly.

"Yes..." Nikolai nodded, "Yuri was a beautiful boy. He was even more beautiful when he skated. If he had lived, I have no doubt he would have made a name for himself. Yuri, was unstoppable."

Otabek's head was pounding, and his skin felt too tight. He couldn't wrap his head around any of it. Out of all the scenarios Otabek has dreamed up on his drive, this was not one of them. Ghosts weren't real, they belonged in story books, movies, and nightmares. They had no place in the real world. Yuri was solid when he'd met him. Solid, and breathing, and dazzling.

"But how? How did I see him? There must be a mistake." his voice cracked.

Nikolai couldn't give him an answer. He seemed just as confused, and distraught as Otabek. Nikolai, shuffled through the album, and handed Otabek a newer photo of Yuri. He was in a sky blue hoody, his silky blond hair framing his face. He was cheek to cheek with his cat, who looked none to pleased with being photographed. His green eyes were shining, and a grin of pure joy spread across his face.

No...this was definitely the same person. No one had eyes as green as Yuri's. Nikolai's were close, but they had dulled with age. Yuri's eyes had been coated in smudged eyeliner, but that only enhanced their sharp green hue. There was no doubt in Otabek's mind that the boy in the picture was the boy he had fallen in love with.

Otabek looked at the photo a while longer, then went to pass it back to Nikolai.

Nikolai held his hand up to refuse it. "Keep it, I have a copy. You seem like a nice boy, and I think he would have liked you. You should keep it, to remember him by."

Otabek held it reverently for a moment, before sliding it into his coat pocket.

"Thank you." he stood, fighting off the dizzy spell that threatened to take him down." Umm... Is it possible for me..to?" his voice trailed off.

"Pay your respects? Yes, he's buried in the little cemetery you passed on your way here. I haven't been able to see him lately, he'd like a visitor."

Otabek moved on wobbly legs, his kneecaps twitching in protest. "I'm sorry to have bothered you. I know how weird this must be. I'm so sorry if I've upset you. I never would have come if I had known he was-" he couldn't bear to utter the words.

Nikolai shook his head, "I'm not upset young man. I have to admit, I was at first, but I watched you while you sat in your car. You looked so upset. I figured if you were here to torment me, you wouldn't have sat there for as long as you did. This is all a bit strange, but you talk like you really did know him. " He swallowed, and solemnly held back his tears, the way only strong old men who have been through hell can do, and still look stately. "Anytime I can talk to someone about my Yurotchka is time well spent. Even if it is under these circumstances."

 _Yurotchka_...Otabek felt a pang in his heart at hearing the nickname. It was such a sweet little name for someone as vibrant, and audacious as Yuri. If only he'd had the chance to call him something so dear.

Otabek shook Nikolai's hand, and walked to his car.

It wasn't long until the little cemetery came into view. He stopped the car and stumbled through the snow. There weren't many headstones, most were old and worn from decades of hard weather. It wasn't difficult to find the shiny, black granite headstone with 'Yuri Plisetsky' carved into it.

The snow had piled up on top of the headstone. Otabek started to clear it away when his hand raked over something soft, and slick. He brushed the snow away, as all the air left his lungs.

It was his jacket, stiff and frozen from the cold.

He picked it up, and brushed the remaining snow off of it. Underneath his jacket, laid a bouquet of wilted, frozen lilies.

 _Lillies and snow..._

Everything came crashing down around him, and Otabek's last bit of strength gave way. He sank to his hands and knees, letting the snow soak through his jeans, while the cold bit into his bare hands. The tears he had been holding back broke through. He let out a hard, broken wail.

"Yura...why?" he sobbed.

He sat there drowning in his grief, until his toes went numb, and his chest had started to burn from the frigid air.

"Beks? You home?" JJ opened the door to Otabek's room. He had seen the car parked outside, and knew Otabek had come home. He wanted to hear the dirt on his day with Yuri, and get his keys. Izzy was back in their room, wanting to go get dinner.

"Beks?" he called out.

He heard the distinct clink of glass on wood. JJ squinted through the darkness, and saw the sillohuette of Otabek, sitting in the over stuffed chair in his living room, a bottle of whiskey sat by his feet. The drapes were pulled back, letting blue moonlight spill into the room.

JJ fumbled for the light, and turned it on. Otabek made a painful hissing noise as the light hit his eyes.

"Jesus, Otabek, what the fuck happened? Did find Yuri?"

"I found him." his voice was gravelly and, his face set in stone.

"Did you get your jacket back?"

"I did." Otabek lifted the glass of whiskey to his lips, finished it, and refilled.

"Did he not want to see you again?" JJ asked, his voice had gone soft after seeing the state of his friend. He should have given Yuri the shovel talk when he'd had the chance.

"You could say that." Otabek made no moves to stand, or even make eye contact with his friend. He took another generous sip of whiskey.

"Aw fuck Beks, I'm sorry. You two seemed to really hit it off too." JJ's words dripped with sympathy.

"Yeah we did. How about that?" he said bitterly "The one person I click with and.."

And what? He couldn't tell JJ that Yuri was dead.

 _But, JJ had seen him too, right?_

No, JJ wouldn't believe him, not when he was so drunk he couldn't see straight. It would all be waved away as a pitiful mix of drunken ramblings, and heartbreak.

"And?" JJ prompted.

"And...nothing." Otabek slurred, "guess you're here for the keys?"

"Uhh, yeah."

Otabek threw them to him, a bit harder than he had anticipated. JJ caught them, and shook the pain out of his hand.

"You want me to stick around Beks? Maybe order some food?"

Otabek shook his head, "M'fine."

JJ backed out of the room, concerned for his friend, but willing to give him some space. "I'm gonna check in on you later. Make sure you're not dead."

Otabek barked out a sharp, bitter laugh, that made JJ jump. He turned to look at his friend, wanting to console him in some way, but he was at a loss for words. He shook his head, and left, shutting the door quietly behind him.

Otabek finished his glass of whiskey and closed his eyes, praying for sleep to take him.

Otabek sat up, as he felt a cool hand brush his cheek. He looked up at the green eyes staring down at him.

Otabek shook his head in disbelief, "No...you're dead.." he rasped.

Yuri stood, and gently took one of Otabek's hands, and held it to his cheek.

"Are you sure?" he snickered, "I feel real, don't I?" He dragged Otabek's hand down, laying it over his heart.

He did feel real. He felt solid, and alive, as he panted over him.

"I don't' understand..." Otabek choked, hand still splayed across Yuri's chest.

Yuri didn't answer. He leaned over, giving Otabek a hard kiss.

Otabek hummed hungrily into Yuri's mouth, no longer caring how or why he had appeared. He carded his fingers through his soft blond locks, pulling him roughly into his lap. Yuri straddled his thighs, settling comfortably on top of him, his lips never breaking the kiss.

Otabek's lips traveled down to Yuri's neck, nipping and sucking at his throat. Yuri's hand cupped the back of Otabek's head, pressing him against his neck, urging him to be rougher. He let out a pleasured moan, as sharp teeth bit into his skin.

"Beka..." he whined.

At the sound of his name, Otabek recaptured Yuri's mouth, hands digging into Yuri's slim hips, grinding up against him. Yuri gasped, and began tugging at Otabek's shirt, quickly peeling it off of him. He ran his fingertips down Otabek's taught rib cage, and back up to his pecs, grazing his thumb over a nipple.

Otabek yanked Yuri's shirt off, and threw it to the floor. He gaped at the expanse of white flesh before him. He wanted to taste his skin with his tongue, and trace his fingers over each vertebrae, as he skimmed down his back.

Yuri embraced him, pressing his body against Otabek, arms wrapped tightly around his neck.

"I'm so cold Beka...warm me up." he gasped.

Yuri's cool skin pressed up against his own naked flesh made him shiver. His hair trailed against his shoulder, sending ripples of gooseflesh down his arms. Otabek inhaled deeply against his skin. He breathed in the scent of lilies and snow.

 _Lilies and snow..._

Something shattered inside Otabek, sending him crashing back to reality. "No.." he broke the kiss roughly, "you're dead!"

Yuri sat back, and tilted his head, eyes punch-drunk and pleading, "Beka please, kiss me..." he begged, hips beginning to roll against him.

"No, no, no! You're dead...this isn't real!" he stood up abruptly, dumping Yuri unceremoniously to the floor. Yuri looked up at him in pained disbelief, he reached a slender white hand out to Otabek.

"Beka, don't...don't you want me?" he mourned.

Otabek stared down at Yuri, still in a bedraggled heap on the floor. His green eyes shimmering with tears. Otabek couldn't refuse him, he was there, in his room, sobbing on the floor, begging for his touch. He reached out to him, and felt the cool touch of his delicate fingers in his hand.

"Yuri, I-"

Otabek was jolted awake by the piercing sound of the alarm on his phone. He fumbled for it, sliding his finger hastily over the screen to silence it, letting it clatter to the floor.

He was drenched in sweat, and reeked of stale whiskey. He stood up, squeezing his eyes shut against the harsh morning light. He fumbled to close the blinds, and tripped, tumbling over to his knees. The room began to spin, and a hot flush swept over him. His stomach roiled and lurched, as he emptied the meager contents of his stomach onto the floor.

He sat back from his mess, wiping a shaky hand across his mouth.

It had been a dream, and now he had to face the cold light of day.

Yuri was dead, and all Otabek's hopes and dreams were dead right alongside him.


	5. Sorrow

Otabek groaned, and tried to stand once more. The blood rushed from his head, and his vision went black for a few moments. He gripped the back of the chair, forcing himself to stay upright. Once his spotty vision cleared, he stumbled, bleary eyed, to the shower.

He didn't bother turning the hot water on. He let the cold spray of the shower hit him square in the chest, welcoming the shock of cold. Once the world stopped tilting, and rolling, he adjusted the temperature. The shower of water hid the hot tears that rolled down his cheeks. He hadn't realized he was crying until his chest heaved, and forced out a gut wrenching sob.

The initial shock over Yuri's death was gone. Now, all he felt was a constant aching sorrow that gained strength from his energy, and devoured every pleasant thought and feeling he'd ever had.

He pictured Yuri's limp little body on the side of the road. He must have been terrified, alone in the woods, left behind to fight for his own survival. Could he move? Did he cry out for help? Did he die in pain, or was he gently lulled to sleep from the cold? He hoped it was the latter, there was comfort in believing the cold had eventually numbed his pain and let him drift off peacefully, never to wake.

Otabek felt his knees start to waiver. He landed on his ass with a wet smack, leaned his head back against the tile wall, and sobbed.

Yuri had been so full of life, clever, talented and determined. He gave off an impressive aura of toughness, but once Otabek broke through that barrier, he found that underneath all that hardness, was an affectionate, gentle soul that wanted to be loved as much as he did. Yuri's voice could be sharp as a razor one minute, but then melt away into silky lilting tones that could melt butter the next. Yuri was an enigma, a tantalizing blend of sharp edges, and plush, velvety softness that Otabek wanted to keep for himself and no one else.

None of that would be possible now.

Grief turned to anger. A deep, slow burning rage that he directed at so many, many people. The heartless stranger that had struck Yuri on that snowy road, and never looked back. Nikolai for not keeping a closer watch over Yuri. JJ and Izzy for being so in love with one another, even himself for being so hopelessly in love with a specter. A gorgeous vision of blond hair and pouty red lips, who thought and felt the same way he did about life. Yuri had even loved skating, and had the same drive he did to overcome the odds and make a name for himself. Yuri would never have that either.

Unfair wasn't a strong enough word. Perverted was a better description of the situation. Fate had, had sick and twisted plans for both of them and neither had been aware of it, until was too late. Yuri's life had been snuffed out, leaving his spirit lingering on the fringes, and Otabek had fallen in love with him, only to come to find out that there was no future for them.

Otabek let out a string of desperate curses, and struck the back of his head against the wall a few times for good measure. It hurt. It felt good to hurt, to be able to focus on something tangible, and not the empty void inside his stayed on the shower floor until the water ran cold once more.

He eventually left the shower with his teeth chattering, and body shivering. He dressed himself, and started on the unpleasant task of cleaning up the mess he had left in the living room. Eternally grateful that the room was not carpeted. He made himself the strongest cup of coffee he could manage, swallowed four aspirins, and ate a few handfuls of dry cereal, hoping it would all stay down. He closed the drapes, and laid on the couch hoping sleep would take him, but no matter how heavy his eyelids felt, sleep never came. Grief kept him awake, kept his mind buzzing and his heart throbbing.

His eyes drifted to the TV, he didn't like TV on a whole, but maybe it would distract him enough to trick his brain into shutting off. He grabbed the remote, and started flipping channels. He settled on the weather channel, the man droning on, and on about the forecast, was almost hypnotic. After twenty minutes, he could almost recite the entire forecast for the next week by heart. His eyes were just beginning to droop, when he heard a knock on the door.

Otabek let out a groan, "it's open." he growled in frustration, almost in tears at how closely he had been to sleep.

JJ popped his head in, "You okay?"

Otabek nodded, eyes never leaving the TV screen.

"You here for your keys?" Otabek mumbled.

"Umm, I got those last night. You practically threw them at my face. You don't remember?"

Otabek shook his head. The room started to shift and roll at the movement.

JJ stood over him, noticing his red rimmed eyes, and the slight puffiness that surrounded them. "What the fuck happened, Beks? I've never seen you get blackout drunk."

"Nothing happened."

JJ raised an eyebrow. "Yeah? You know you said that last night, and I didn't it buy it then either. Something happened. What was he, fifteen? Did he change his mind about you? Did he pawn your jacket? Did he-"

"I told you nothing happened." Otabek's snapped. He didn't want to talk about it. He had just lulled himself into a state where could sleep, and forget for a little while , but JJ had come in an spoilt it all.

"That's crap, and you know it! You, of all people don't get blackout drunk over nothing! Don't fucking bullshit me Beks! What did that little bitch do to you?"

Otabek shot up lightning fast, now nose to nose with JJ, his grief overwhelmed by vehemence. "You want to know what happened? I'll tell you what fucking happened! He's dead JJ, Yuri's fucking dead!" He heard himself screaming the words out, and felt his already raw throat burning in protest.

JJ's face went white, letting his mouth hang open. The two men stood eye to eye with one another. There was a time when JJ had towered over his friend. Years ago, Otabek's short stature had been a constant joke between the two. Now in their twenties the two were near mirror images of one another. Long muscular legs, rock hard torsos, and almost identical jet black undercuts. It was a fight for dominance as the two stared at one another. JJ eventually conceded, no longer able to stare into the hard dark eyes in front of him, he stepped back, easing the tension between them.

JJ wiped his face with his hands. "Fuck, he's dead? When did he...? How?"

Otabek wilted back onto the couch, sorrow washing over him once more.

JJ wasn't going to believe a word of this, but at this point piling on a bit more crazy didn't seem to matter. Nothing seemed to matter anymore.

"I went to his house, and met his grandfather. He told me that Yuri died last year, on his way to Mirage. He was hit by a car, and died in the snow."

JJ knit his brows, "You're fucking with me, right? That's impossible. Yuri sat in the car with us, and talked to us. Hell, he had his tongue down your goddamn throat while I drove his ass home! Are you sure the old man isn't just senile?"

Otabek shook his head. "He wasn't senile. He showed me the newspaper clipping from the accident. His grandfather gave me this." Otabek picked up the picture of Yuri and handed it to his friend.

JJ inspected it, and looked at the time stamp on the back, it was from two years before. "This picture doesn't prove he's dead. What about your jacket? You said you got it back."

Otabek motioned to the closet, "I found it, on his grave, JJ."

JJ opened the closet, the jacket was there, still slightly damp from the snow. He shook his head, trying to piece everything together, "I still don't believe you. If he's dead, then who the fuck did we pick up the other night?"

Otabek gave him defeated look. "The only answer I can come up with, and trust me, when I say I didn't come to this conclusion lightly, was that it was his ghost."

JJ's eyes widened, "Ghost?" This was all too much for him to process. "Fuck Beks! What is this some kind of fucking Halloween special? There's no fucking way it was a ghost. There's gotta be some other explanation. Maybe he's got a twin or a cousin or something. Maybe it was just-"

"JJ, I've tried to come up with one, but I can't. I know that person we picked up the other night was Yuri, this Yuri," he pointed to the picture," and I know without a doubt that he's dead."

JJ went over to the whiskey bottle that still sat on the floor, and took a generous pull, wiping his chin, with the back of hand.

"Now I know why you got blackout drunk last night. I might have to do the same. Beks, this is insane!"

Otabek didn't tell him the worst of it. He didn't tell him about all the dreams he'd had, or how real they had felt. He didn't tell him how wild, and desperate he felt inside now that he knew there was no chance with Yuri.

JJ laid the bottle on the table, and stared at his bedraggled friend. "At least you got your jacket back."

Otabek sat staring at the floor, and nodded bleakly, saying nothing in return.

"You want me to stick around Beks? No offense, but you look a little shittier each time I see you."

Otabek shook his head, "M'fine. I just want to be alone for awhile. I'll see you tomorrow."

Otabek shut the door after JJ had left, and stumbled to his bed.

It had been days since JJ had seen Otabek. He'd skipped out on practice, and wouldn't answer the door, or his phone. JJ, and their coach had both tried on numerous occasions to contact him, but there was no answer. After not hearing from his friend for a solid five days, JJ feared the worst. After pleading with the rink staff, and the lady who ran the dorms he was granted the extra key to Otabek's room.

With a flick of his wrist he opened the door. The place was dark, with an acrid smell of alcohol, and fetid garbage. Dirty plates were stacked in the kitchen, long forgotten by their owner; dozens of small flies buzzed over them.

The most disturbing was the silence. Otabek had always been quiet, but this was too much even for him.

"Beks?" He made his way down the hall, towards his bedroom, "Otabek! For fuck sake answer me!" he shouted. He threw open the bedroom door. Otabek was in bed, as still as stone, the sheets pulled up over his head.

JJ went and shook him, he felt warm, and he could see the gentle rise and fall of his chest. He sighed with relief.

"Otabek, wake up." He said sternly, giving his shoulder another shake.

"Nggh." he groaned, and rolled over, his brown eyes hazy, as he tried to focus on the figure before him.

"Thank Christ you're alive."

"Go away JJ." he barked.

"Uh-uh, no way. No one's seen you for almost a week. Coach says if you aren't there tomorrow you can pack your shit up and head home."

"Fine." he growled from under the blankets, "nothing for me here anyway."

"Fine? Fine? So you're just going to leave then? What about the season? What about skating better this year? You're not seriously going to throw everything away because Yuri's de-"

Otabek turned and glared at him. "Go on, say it. I know you want to."

JJ closed his mouth, and exhaled, losing his temper wasn't going to help matters. "I'm not saying it because there's no need to." JJ sat down next to him. "I know this must be hard for you, finding out about him. I know you two had a really great thing going on."

"Thing? It was more than just a thing. I loved him." Otabek said, his voice breaking slightly on the words.

JJ nodded. He figured as much. He'd seen it early on after the first time Otabek had met Yuri. JJ knew what Otabek was feeling. He himself had felt that same electric, fizzling energy when he'd met Izzy for the first time. That instant magnetic pull that settled into your bones and shouts 'this is it'! He wasn't going to tell him all the cliche phrases, 'you only just met him', 'you hardly knew him', 'you'll find someone else'. There were some couples out there that you could just see the spark between them, you just knew. He had that with Izzy, and Otabek had found it with Yuri, even if it was for a short while.

"I know you loved him, but he's...he's gone. Hell, he was never here to begin with. You can't throw all your hard work away on an apparition. It's insane."

Otabek turned away from him.

He could though. He could so easily toss it out the window. His skates, his routines, his need to win, none of it mattered anymore. Not when the one person who had made his life seem so much brighter, was gone. His dreams of winning gold seemed so useless and superficial now. Who cares if he won gold? It didn't mean anything, not really. Sure, for one year he'd be top dog, but as soon as the next season rolled around he'd be fighting over gold again alongside everyone else. He felt like a hamster on a wheel, running and running towards nothing.

"I can't huh?"

JJ shook his head, "I know you'd regret it if you quit now."

Otabek snickered darkly, "I'll be the judge of that."

JJ wasn't getting through to him, it was time to bring out the big guns. "Your mother would hate to see you doing this to yourself."

"Tch. What do you know about her?" Otabek spat.

"I know she worked hard for you to keep skating. I know she spent hours driving you to, and from competitions, no matter the distance. I know she would beg, borrow, or steal to see that you kept going. If you quit now, you'd be admitting that all her work was a waste. If she were alive right now, she'd be ashamed to see you like this."

JJ closed his eyes, and braced himself for a swift punch to the face. It's what he would have done if the tables were turned. It was a dirty move, bringing his dead mother into the mix, but he needed to snap his friend out of it. After a few seconds, he opened his eyes. Otabek was sitting up, and looking at him with dark weary eyes. JJ could finally get a good look at his friend. His hair was slick and greasy, coarse black stubble blotted out his jawline, and chin. His skin looked sallow and ashy, and a heavy whiff of sweat and dirt clung to him.

"Beks, when was the last time you had a shower?"

Otabek shrugged, "what day did you see me last?"

JJ sighed heavily and stood up, "stay there. I'm getting you cleaned up."

Otabek didn't protest, he laid back down, and listened to the shower kick on, and the slamming of cabinet doors as JJ looked for a clean towel. A few minutes later JJ had his arm around him pulling him out of bed. Otabek tried to wrestle himself out of JJ's grip, but the man held fast.

"Go home, JJ. Leave me alone." he growled.

"Not a chance buddy. For one thing, you fucking stink so bad I think I'd smell you from my room."

At that Otabek went limp, no longer having the energy to fight. JJ had the upper hand now. Otabek let himself be manhandled into the bathroom

JJ stripped him of his dirty clothes. Neither flinched at Otabek's nakedness. The two had shared a locker room for years, it was nothing he hadn't see before, and Otabek was too out of it to care. JJ got him in shower, and let the hot spray hit Otabek square in the face. He spluttered, and stepped back, wiping the water from his face.

"You awake enough to clean yourself up now? I'm not against scrubbing you down myself, but I'd still like to be able to look you in the eye when we're together." JJ clapped a bar of soap, and a washcloth into Otabek's outstretched hand.

JJ left him to shower, and searched Otabek's dresser for clean clothes, setting them on the bathroom counter. He was relieved to see his friend scrubbing himself down, and grabbing for his razor.

JJ decided to tackle the dishes in the kitchen, making sure to open the windows to let the funk dissipate.

Fifteen minutes later, Otabek sat on the couch still dazed, but in much better shape. He'd managed to shave, but his weak, clumsy fingers had botched the job. Several bits of tissue stuck to his face to stave off the bleeding. His hair was now wet, clean, and combed back from his face, and he no longer stank like a dumpster. Otabek watched JJ busy himself, filling trash bags full of garbage, and setting the last dish to drip dry on the rack. He heard him on the phone, ordering food from Otabek's favorite place, telling them there would be a generous tip if they could get here asap.

"You didn't have to all this." Otabek said, as JJ handed him a cup of coffee.

"Maybe not, but you're my friend, and I'm not one to let a friend suffer."

"Thanks." Otabek leaned back, resting his head on the back of the couch. He felt better, and having his apartment back to his usual state of tidiness was comforting, but he still felt drained and sad.

"So. Can I tell coach you'll be there tomorrow?" JJ hoped that in his cleaned and nourished state he'd have a different opinion than before.

Otabek nodded. If he stopped going to practice, he'd be kicked out, and the last thing he wanted right now, was to be sent home.

He could play the dutiful athlete for a little while longer. He only had two more weeks until the moon would be full again. He needed to see Yuri, and nothing was going to keep him from doing so. He needed to speak to him, to hold him one more time. He had to do the one thing that his heart was screaming for him not to do...say goodbye.

"I'll be there."


	6. Goodbyes

Otabek, for the most part; bucked up and played nice with everyone around him. It was the only way he'd be allowed to stay in Moscow, and staying was now his top priority.

He made sure to be at practice bright and early each day; and he tried his hardest to act like his normal self. He exchanged pleasantries with the lady at the front desk, gave his fellow rink mates a curt nod when he saw them, and continued to ask for his coach's advice on technique. Every evening after the days practice was over, he'd meet up with JJ to walk home with him. The short ten minute walk was tenuous at first. Neither of them daring to bring up Yuri; or Otabek's recent downward spiral into grief. But eventually, things softened between them, and Otabek for once was glad that his friend had a motor mouth. JJ could go on, and on about nothing, and everything all at once. All Otabek had to do was give his signature nod to let him know he was listening, and JJ would continue talking. The idle chit chat was almost comforting... _almost_.

His coach had welcomed him back, but immediately pushed him to his limits physically. Otabek wasn't sure if the coach was wanting to see him skate his best, or if he was just punishing him for missing an entire week's training. Either way, Otabek grit his teeth, and did what he was told. He skated harder, leapt higher, spun himself like dervish, and stretched his limbs to near breaking point. His coach was pleased with his hard work, and JJ was more than a little relieved to see Otabek striving to put the whole messy business with Yuri behind him.

It was all an act.

Otabek maintained appearances at the rink, and with JJ, while they walked home together, but the moment he stepped into his room and locked the door, he fell apart. Curling into himself as he let the days allotment of tears and sadness cut loose. At the rink he could keep it together for the most part, but when he was alone, the grief came in short, crushing bursts. He found himself breaking down at the oddest times. He'd be brushing his teeth, and suddenly be reminded of Yuri's Cheshire cat grin, only to sob with his toothbrush firmly clenched between his teeth, as foamy paste fell from his mouth and splattered the counter. While out on a solitary run, he'd catch a whiff of snow in the air, and have to duck into an alley to calm his breathing, and choke back his tears. At night, alone in his bed, Yuri was all he could think of, and it made the heaviness in his chest twist and burn.

All it took was a scent, the glint of blond hair on a passerby, or the sight of a couple walking hand in hand, and he'd lose his already fractured composure. It was no use, the all consuming grief was swallowing him bit, by bit. Soon there would be nothing left.

He kept reminding himself that he could do this. He could last a little while longer. He could keep up appearances, and pretend that he was doing better.

 _Just a few more days, the moon's almost full._

He wasn't sure what he would say to Yuri when he saw him. He was pretty sure Yuri knew what he was. He didn't seem like the ghosts he'd seen in horror movies. The kind that still roamed their old homes, unaware that they had long since passed, all the while scaring the shit out of the new, living breathing occupants.

All of Yuri's 'it's complicateds', and 'you wouldn't understands' made sense now. Yuri knew he was dead, and for whatever reason, he was still roaming the earth. Otabek wasn't sure if Mirage was the only place Yuri was allowed to go to, or if he could go a little further afoot. But judging the look on Nikolai's face when he had visited him; he figured Yuri had never come knocking on his door. But then, what was the right way to visit a loved one after death that wouldn't end with them going into cardiac arrest? Maybe that was the reason Yuri had never shown himself to his grandfather. It made sense. Nikolai was sad enough, now that his only grandson was gone. Yuri probably didn't want to be his grandfathers cause of death on top of that. Nikolai was old, the sight of his dead grandson on his doorstep would surely kill him.

Otabek wanted Yuri to come clean, to tell him what he knew (if he knew anything). It wouldn't make the situation better, but maybe knowing more would ease the burden a little. Otabek still couldn't have any sort of relationship with him. Not unless he gave up his life in Kazakhstan (such as it was), and moved to the tiny speck of a town that Yuri was buried in, only to see him one night a month.

What kind of life was that?

What could they do?

There would be no dates, no marriage, no family. Nothing but waiting for that brief stretch of time that they could be together. It wouldn't be enough. Otabek would grow old, and Yuri was locked in time, eternally youthful and brimming with energy, even if it for just one night.

The days passed, and yet another full moon was set to rise. Otabek wasn't the only one who had been keeping track of it. JJ had also noted it's fullness, all the while hoping that Otabek would let this one pass by, and wouldn't want to make that painful trip to Mirage. Otabek seemed to be improving. He had been skating better than ever, and while he was still deathly quiet on his breaks, and was disinclined to socialize, it was a start. Seeing Yuri again would only send him spiraling back to square one, and JJ wasn't sure if he could go through that again. Picking up the broken pieces, and gluing Otabek back together had been hard enough the first time.

His hopes were dashed the next afternoon, when Otabek found him after practice.

"JJ, will you let me borrow the car tonight?" Otabek had his bag already hitched up on his shoulder. An edgy, eager look on his face.

JJ wrinkled his nose and crossed his arms over his chest. "I don't know Otabek. I know you want to see him again, but do you think it's a good idea? You'll just end up wrecked after, and you've been doing so well lately."

Otabek's eager look melted into a thin frown, his body stiffened, and shifted into defense mode. "That's my decision to make, JJ. I know what I can, and can't handle. I have to see him again. I can't leave here and not see him one last time." Otabek's voice was firm, his jaw set.

JJ wiped his face with his hand. "It's _your_ decision, but it's _my_ car. What if I don't want to give you the keys? What if I don't want any part of this anymore? It's too fucking much Beks. I can't go through it again, having to scrape you out of bed, and practically force feed you while cry on my shoulder. I'm sorry, but-."

Otabek's anger at being denied was palpable. "Screw you then, I'll find my own way. I'm going to Mirage tonight, with or without your help," his voice cracked, "all I wanted to do was see him one last time, before I left. I don't think that's asking too much."

JJ stared at his shoes, mulling it over in his head. He couldn't begrudge Otabek one last goodbye. Maybe it would be the closure his friend needed. After this, he could go on with his life, and find someone new. Someone alive this time. He let out a heavy, exasperated sigh. "Fine Beks, but I'm not giving you the keys. I'm going with you. I'll stay out of your hair, but someone needs to keep an eye on you. I doubt you'll be in any shape to drive home afterwards."

Otabek almost, _almost_ cracked the smallest of smiles. "Thanks JJ."

"Yeah, yeah. Just don't make me regret doing this."

JJ picked him up at seven sharp. Otabek was waiting on the street for him, nervously shifting from foot to foot.

"No Izzy tonight?" Otabek asked, sliding into the front seat.

"No, not tonight. She doesn't know about Yuri. I can't even begin to explain all this shit to her. I still can't believe it myself. I just told her we were having a guys night with some fellow skaters before we head home. She was more than happy to stay in tonight."

Otabek nodded, and stared out the window as they made their way through traffic. A late winter storm had rolled in, and it had started to snow heavily as they left the city. Plump snowflakes hit the windshield, and stuck to the glass. JJ flipped the wipers on, quickly skimming them off.

"I hope you know what you're doing Beks."

Otabek didn't answer. He was too busy planning out what he'd say to Yuri when he saw him.

The snow was starting to pile up, as they drove. The old, worn out wipers just barely cleared the snow away, only to have snow coat the windshield seconds later. JJ turned the high beams on, but it did little to improve the view, all it did was illuminate the snow in front of them. Everything around them was drowning in a thick sea of white.

"Shit, this is the worst snow I've seen since I've been here. There must be a foot and a half of snow out there already." JJ rubbed the inside of the windshield with the sleeve of his coat, wiping away the fog the gutless defroster couldn't reach.

Otabek wondered if it had been like this the night Yuri had died. Fat white snowflakes piling up around him as he clung to life. It would have been so quiet outside, his cries muffled by the heavy snow. No one would have heard him, not that anyone would have been around. Otabek inhaled sharply, and shut his eyes, trying not to think about it.

They eventually turned down the dark, twisted dirt road towards Mirage. This time around, JJ wasn't playfully letting the car slide around corners. He kept both hands firmly on the wheel, and squinted as he concentrated on keep the car on the road.

"Fuck Beks, I doubt this place is even gonna be open on a night like this. This is bad, even I don't like driving in this." JJ gripped the wheel as the back end slid out a bit. The old car wasn't cooperating this time. JJ was grimly reminded that the old clunker had been made long before the advent of airbags and ABS. It only made him more nervous.

"As long as Yuri's there I don't care about everyone else." Was all Otabek could manage to say as he white knuckled the armrest.

They past the looming shadow of the red barn, and Otabek kept a lookout for Yuri, unable to see anything, but white. At least this time Otabek didn't need to worry about Yuri's safety. Nothing could hurt you if you were already dead. He'd be cold when he saw him, but it was nothing that his leather jacket, and a long embrace couldn't cure. He was almost looking forward to see him shivering in the doorway at Mirage.

The tail end of the car kicked out violently. JJ cursed, and fought against it.

" _Putain d'enfer_ Otabek, this is nuts!" JJ spat, as he wrestled to keep the car on track. "We need to go back. This storm is just getting worse."

"No! We're not going back!" Otabek snapped. "We're almost there! I have to see him one last time! Fucking give me this at least!"

JJ was done pandering to him. "No Beks, not this time. I'm not risking my life over this. For fuck sake, he's gone! Go to his grave sometime during the day, when it's not storming, and say your goodbyes! I'm not doing this anymore!"

A wild, desperate anger bubbled up inside Otabek. They were almost there, they could make it! They just needed to go a little further, take things a little slower. They could manage it, he knew they could! It was his last chance to see Yuri, and he wasn't going to let JJ take that away from him. Otabek felt the car slow, as JJ prepared to make a dangerous, ungainly U-turn. Otabek grabbed his arm wanting to stay his hand, but JJ struggled against it.

"Get the fuck off me Otabek!"

It was a mad flurry of hands and curses that only lasted only a few moments. JJ took his eyes off the road, and one hand off the wheel to push Otabek away. That was all it took. They both felt the car lurch, and weave. Otabek let go of JJ's arm, shocked that he let his anger get the better of him. There was no time to dwell on it though. The car started to gain speed and spin out, heading straight for the dense trees that grew along the road like a solid wall. JJ fought with the car, but his mind was racing, and his hands fumbled to gain a firm grasp of the wheel, but it was too late. They slammed into the treeline, with a force that knocked the air from their lungs. The ancient seat belts held fast, but that was their only means of protection. Otabek felt his body slam against the window, only to ricochet off of it, and collide into JJ. They were both thrown around the cars insides like rag dolls, their bodies smacking into steel, glass and one another. Otabek felt his head crack against the dashboard, before everything went black.

"Otabek! Otabek answer me!" JJ shouted.

He had woken up half frozen and in pain, after who knows how long. The windshield was cracked, and the side windows shattered, letting the snow and frigid winds pour in. His ears were ringing, and his skull felt like it was about to pop, but Otabek looked far, far worse. He laid in a crumpled heap next to him, glass littered his hair and pooled in his lap. JJ looked on in horror as trickle of blood seeped from his ear and down his neck, and started to panic.

"Oh shit! Oh shit, Otabek!" JJ gave him a weak nudge, not wanting to shake him too hard for fear he'd make him worse. He lightly slapped his cheek, "Wake up! Please Otabek, you have to wake up!"

Otabek was enveloped in velvety darkness, but a blinding, white hot pain radiated through him. His head throbbed, his ribs ached, and his body refused to move. He could hear faint voices, but couldn't answer. One was the unmistakable baritone voice of JJ, now a few octaves higher as he frantically pleaded for him to wake up. The other voice was softer...calmer... _familiar_. It was barely a whisper at first, JJ's voice nearly drowning it out completely.

"Otabek, wake up!" JJ shouted, shaking Otabek harder.

 _"Beka..."_ The voice was placid and hushed, almost sing song like.

"Otabek," JJ yelled in his ear, pleading with him. "don't fucking die on me!"

Otabek felt heavy and drowsy, and JJ's loud, frenzied screams only made his head pound more. He turned his mind away from it, focusing all his attention on the sweet, dulcet voice calling his name.

 _"Beka...don't be afraid...I'm here..."_

Otabek could feel JJ shaking his body. It jostled his insides making the pain intensify. He wanted him to stop, to go away and leave him be, but the rough shaking continued. Just when he thought he couldn't take the pain any longer; he felt another set of hands on him. These hands were soft, and cool. Slender fingers smoothed across his forehead, and lulled him into a state of calm. Otabek felt the pain starting to ebb away. He melted into the touch, and chased after the relief that came with it. Otabek eyes flickered open very briefly, only to see Yuri's smiling face looking down at him.

"Yuri..." he tried to form the words, but his voice failed him.

" _Otabek! Don't leave buddy please, come back!"_ JJ's voice was starting to subside into the background, while Yuri's voice filled his head.

 _"_ I'm here, don't worry. Just let go Beka." Yuri held his hand out to him, smiling fondly, _"_ come with me _."_

Otabek felt his whole body shudder, as the last remnants of pain left him. In a flash he found himself standing outside the car next to Yuri, watching curiously as JJ leaned over his body, screaming for him to stay with him. It was bizarre, seeing his body slumped in a heap as his friend cried over him. He felt guilty about leaving JJ behind alone and hurt, but he felt so light now. The pain was gone, and the lead like grief that had smothered him for weeks had left him. He turned away from the scene before him, and stared lovingly at the blond by his side.

"Yuri." He smiled, cupped his cheek, and planted a soft kiss on his forehead. Yuri wrapped his arms around him, leaning into his chest.

"Beka." He whispered, nuzzling into his neck.

They watched as a car lumbered down the road. It stopped alongside the wreckage, and a young couple rushed over to find JJ still hovering over Otabek's body. There was lots of shouting, and frantic movements from the couple as they tried to help.

Yuri and Otabek stood in the middle of it all, watching the chaos unfurl around them. Otabek leaned towards Yuri's ear, "Can't they see us?"

Yuri shook his head. "Not if we don't want them too."

Otabek watched as he and JJ were pulled away from the twisted pile of metal. His body was gently placed in the back of the couples car, and JJ was helped inside, still sobbing over his friend. Then; the car turned and drove up the road, towards the hospital, or the next best thing way out in the middle of nowhere. Otabek felt and anxious twist in his gut. What if the doctors revived him somehow? What if he was pulled back into his body? What a crushing blow it would be to finally be with Yuri, only to be wrenched away from him by doctors who were just trying to save his life.

"I won't wake up will I?" Otabek asked.

Yuri shook his head. "No," he said softly. " It's been too long, you're like me now."

Otabek thought it over quietly as the snow swirled around them. There was nothing left for him in the land of the living. His family was gone, no friends except JJ, and his quest for gold had long since fizzled out. He wouldn't miss any of it, not when Yuri was by his side for all eternity. It took him dying to finally find the something meaningful in his life, Otabek smirked at the irony of it all.

He kissed Yuri there in the snow. It had grown so quiet now that the madness was over. He always did enjoy the quiet. Yuri took his hand, and started to walk down the road. Otabek followed, it didn't matter where they went, he'd follow Yuri anywhere.

He wasn't sure what this strange new...Life? Death? Would be like, but with Yuri by his side, he knew he'd be ok.

It had been six years since that horrible accident, and JJ found himself in Moscow once again for training. He almost cancelled. He wanted to make up a reason, any reason to stay in Canada, but his coach had given him no choice in the matter.

After the accident, he had spent a few nights in the hospital, and was out for the season due to his injuries. It had been a nightmare, the pain, the physical therapy, being forced to watch from the sidelines as his fellow skaters competed. But none of that held a candle to losing his friend.

Otabek had no family, no one to come claim him after his death. JJ stepped up, and planned his friends funeral from his hospital bed, getting out just in time to be in attendance. It was a bare bones affair, just him, Izzy, their coach, and the priest. JJ wrestled with the idea for days, but eventually, he decided the best place to lay Otabek to rest was in the little cemetery, next to Yuri. It would be his last act of kindness for his friend. If they couldn't be together in life, the least he could do was see that they would be in death.

That had been years ago, and he hadn't stepped foot in Moscow since. He avoided it at all costs, and each year he prayed that he'd never have to compete there. Luck had been on his side up, until now.

He was there alone this time. Izzy had stayed in Canada with their little girl. Their daughter Rebekah, 'Beks' for short, kept her busy. JJ smiled at the thought of his roly poly daughter. She was such a cheerful girl, always laughing and smiling, so unlike her namesake. He hoped his daughter would have the happy, love filled life that his friend never had.

He checked into a hotel this time. He couldn't bear the thought of staying in the same block of rooms he and Otabek had shared. He was only there for a month, and knew that at some point, he'd have to take the long drive out to the where Otabek was buried. It was late Spring, at least he didn't need to worry about the snow this time. The drive would be pleasant, all things considered. JJ looked at the calendar, and noted when the full moon was, it was two weeks away. He'd go then, it seemed appropriate.

Two weeks flew by, but training was getting harder now that he was older. He had promised Izzy that this would be his last season. They were married with a child now, and his body was no longer what it used to be. After the season was over, he'd try his hand at coaching. He already had several young skaters clamoring to be under his tutelage. It would be a nice change, and he was looking forward to a slower lifestyle.

Finally the day arrived. He awoke early, and went to his training. He threw himself into his skating, trying his hardest not to think about where he had to go that evening.

He had rented a newer, more reliable car this time around, and had just left the outskirts of the city. He rolled down the window, letting the cool Spring air flow through the car. Nothing out this way had changed much, although he did find that cell service had improved. He was able to use his GPS the entire way.

The sun was close to setting, when he finally pulled into the cemetery. He got out, and made his way to Otabek's modest headstone. It paled in comparison to Yuri's shiny black granite one, but it was all that JJ could manage at the time. He knew Otabek wouldn't mind, he had always had such simple tastes.

"Hey Beks, long time no see." he said, staring at the ground beneath his feet. "I umm, know it's been awhile, and I'm sorry about that. I couldn't bring myself to make the trip after what happened. Hope you won't hold it against me. I'm here for training again, just a month this time. I'll be heading home in a week or so." He found himself smirking a little. Talking to a solid block of granite, wasn't too different from talking to Otabek when he was alive. It was just like old times, him rambling on, while Otabek silently listened. "Izzy and I got married about two years ago. I missed you at the wedding...we both did. We have a baby girl now, we call her Beks, after you. She's great, I think you would have liked her." He rubbed the back his head, and sighed heavily, "Well, this is my last season competing. After this, I'm gonna try coaching. Izzy wants me home more, and you know I can't say no to her." He got down on his knees, and started to clear some of the grass and leaves away from the two head stones. "I miss you buddy," he cocked his head towards the black granite headstone that sat to his left. "I hope Yuri here is taking good care of you, wherever you are. Yuri, if you can hear me, watch over him will you? Beks can be a temperamental pain in the ass, but I guess you already know that." He let loose a weak, sad laugh, "I better head out. It's getting dark out, and I wanted to see if Mirage was still up and running." He patted Otabek's head stone, "take care you two." He stood, brushing the dirt from his jeans, and went back to his car.

Mirage was in fact still open, but the class of people had changed. Gone was the pulsating music, and crowds of energetic young people. Now it looked tired, and run down, with only a small handful of locals sitting at the bar. They all shot JJ a suspicious look when he entered, not used to strangers walking in out of the blue. When he didn't acknowledge their stares they turned back to their drinks. JJ ordered a beer, his Russian hadn't gotten any better, and it took him a few tries to get the order right. He nursed his beer until it grew too warm for his liking. He knew he was stalling. He was halfway hoping to see his friend waltz through the door, just like Yuri had all those years ago. He looked at his watch, it was getting late, and he had practice in the morning. He was long past the days where he could stay out until dawn, and still be fully functional for practice. He needed his eight hours, or he'd be useless.

JJ paid for his beer and left, taking his time driving up the long stretch of road. It was dark out now, and he switched his headlights on. He stopped for a grim moment where the accident had happened, not wanting to dwell there for too long. There was nothing there to look at really. No sign of that dreadful night was left, the car had been towed away that night, and the grass and trees had grown over any evidence that was left behind. It was like it had never even happened.

JJ continued on. He was getting close to the red barn. It was now just a husk of what it once was, the paint had chipped away, and the roof had caved in. He glance back down the road, the one he had driven down earlier to pay his respects, the one he had dropped Yuri off when they had first met.

It was then that he noticed them.

They were shadowy at first, but as the moonlight hit them they solidified into two, very familiar forms. They were walking down the road, hand in hand, talking and laughing. JJ got out of the car, and shut the door, squinting into the darkness.

The two figures turned at the sound of the door slamming. The night was clear, and trees had only just started to bloom, the moons bright glow made their features crystal clear.

Otabek and Yuri stood in the blue moonlight, staring back at him. Neither had changed a bit. Yuri was still clad in black, hair trailing past his shoulders. Otabek wore his fathers old leather jacket, and still had that somber look in his eyes, but there was a genuine smile on his face. His arm was slung around Yuri's waist, while Yuri nestled into his side, his head on his shoulder. They were too far away to speak to, and they made no moves to walk towards him. JJ was strangely okay with that. He knew they had heard every word he'd said earlier above their graves. There was no need to say anything else. He stayed where he was, smiled warmly, and raised his hand to wave at them.

Otabek let go of Yuri's hand, and waved back, as a wide, happy grin spread across his face. JJ laughed as Otabek nudged Yuri's side. JJ couldn't see it, but he assumed Yuri had rolled his eyes before giving JJ a weak, slightly annoyed wave as well.

After that, the couple turned, arms lacing around one another, as they walked down the road into the darkness.

JJ got back in his car, and started up the road again. He felt lighter now. Otabek was in good hands. He was happy. He was loved. And that was all he had ever wanted for his friend.

The End.

* * *

Don't hate me, but do let me know what you think.


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